With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.
I was such an ugly kid… when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.
I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.
I have three kids, one of each.
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