No Respect, Part 2

Rodney Dangerfield,

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.