Chuck it, Part 9

If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?!

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.