Chuck it, Part 9

If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?!

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

Paper Money, who knew?

The U.S. Department of the Treasury first issued paper U.S. currency in 1862 to make up for the shortage of coins and to finance the Civil War.

There was a shortage of coins because people had started hoarding them; the uncertainty caused by the war had made the value of items fluctuate drastically. Because coins were made of gold and silver their value didn't change much, so people wanted to hang onto them rather than buy items that might lose their value.

The first paper notes were printed in denominations of 1 cent, 5 cents, 25 cents, and 50 cents.

A $1 bill lasts 18 months; $5 bill, two years; $10 bill, three years; $20 bill, four years; and $50 and $100 bills, nine years.

How much does $1 million weigh? There are 490 notes in a pound, if you used $1 bills it would weigh 2,040.8 pounds, but if you used $100 bills it would weigh only 20.4 pounds.

The Bureau of Engraving and Printing produces 38 million notes a day with a face value of approximately $541 million.

That doesn't mean there is $541 million more money circulating today than there was yesterday, though, because 95% of the notes printed each year are used to replace notes already in circulation.

There were more than 10 billion pennies made in 1998. The actual number of coins produced, by denomination, was as follows: pennies, 10,257,400,000; nickels, 1,323,672,000; dimes, 2,335,300,000; quarters, 1,867,400,000; half-dollars, 30,710,000.

Almost half, 48 percent, of the notes printed by the Bureau of Engraving and Printing are $1 notes.

Our present currency measures 2.61 inches wide by 6.14 inches long, and the thickness is 0.0043 inches. Larger sized notes in circulation before 1929 measured 3.125 inches by 7.4218 inches.

Currency paper is composed of 25 percent linen and 75 percent cotton. Red and blue synthetic fibers of various lengths are distributed evenly throughout the paper. Before World War I these fibers were made of silk.

Martha Washington is the only woman whose portrait has appeared on a U.S. currency note. It appeared on the face of the $1 Silver Certificate of 1886 and 1891, and the back of the $1 Silver Certificate of 1896.

The hands of the clock in the steeple of Independence Hall on the back of a $100 note are set at approximately 4:10.

Bumper Stickers, Part 4

If it's not one thing, it's your mother.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Don't believe everything you think.

Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost!

Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.

Life is short. So buy the shoes!

Crap! This is a terrible time for the meds to wear off.

Never believe generalizations.

The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.

I don't think, therefore I am not.

Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.

Avoid alliterations always.

Fishermen don't die, they just smell that way.

Dyslexics are teople poo.

Jesus is coming. Look busy!

Say "NO" to drugs. That will bring the prices down.

An Apple a day keeps Windows away.

This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.

What would Gandalf do?

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Double your drive space. Delete Windows.

Does anal retentive have a hyphen?

If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it.

Human Facts, Part 2

Fidgeting can burn about 350 calories a day.

Wearing headphones for an hour increases the bacteria in your ear 700 times.

A baby is born without kneecaps. They appear between age 2 and 6.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

In a recent survey, Americans revealed that banana was their favorite smell.

The arteries and veins surrounding the brain stem called the "circle of Willis" looks like a stick person with a large head.

Brushing your teeth regularly has been shown to prevent heart disease.

A kiss stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

Your nose and ears never stop growing.

Men get hiccups more often than women.

Human teeth are almost as hard as rocks.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year.

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day.

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe.

One quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails.

The average person laughs 15 times a day.

Back to the Future, 1969

That was the year when...

• "One small step for man..." as Neil Armstrong became the first man on the moon
• Woodstock: Three days of love and peace created another icon for the sixties
• Concorde first flew on a twenty minute test flight in Toulouse, France
• Rolling Stones Guitarist Brian Jones died
• British parliment voted to outlaw capital punishment

About 1969
1969 was a historic year as the space race was won by America who finally landed a man on the moon. The hippie movement culminated in the Woodstock festival in New York State and the Beatles released 'Let It Be'.

You Have been Watching...
• Sez Les
• Doctor In The House
• Dear Mother... Love Albert
• On The Buses

At the Cinema
• Midnight Cowboy (Best Film Oscar)
• Once Upon A Time In The West
• Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid
• Easy Rider

Cool quotes.

You’re like Ugly Betty except your name isn’t Betty.

Silly Ashley you can’t get pregnant through the face.

I made a robot powered by hate, but I loved it so much it didn’t work.

I’m not saying he’s unlucky, but if he fell into a barrel of boobs, he’d come up sucking his own thumb.

Well, I’d like to agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong

Son, there are two types of girls in this world: the good ones and the bad ones. And the bad ones are the good ones to know.

I’m not the smartest or the best looking but i am smarter than anyone better looking than me, I am better looking than anyone smarter than me, and if someone is smarter and better looking than me, I can kick their ass.

Never moon anyone within kicking distance.

Never claim to be intelligent, compassionate, or a good driver. Inevitably you’ll do something contrary to all three.

If there was no hole in the ozone how would rocket ships get out?

Love is the weak man’s strength and the strong man’s weakness…

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you’re brave enough.

On a scale from one to drunk, how high are you?”

Drink up, ’cause you can’t regret what you don’t remember.

The key to originality is hiding your sources.

You know how they say it’s lonely at the top? I’ll be god damned if it ain’t lonely at the bottom too.

It's gotta be the cows.

For my wife.
Q: Where does a cow stop to drink?
A: The milky way!

Q: What does an invisible man drink?
A: Evaporated milk!

Q: Where do cows go for lunch?
A: The calf-eteria.

Q: Where do cows go on dates?
A: The moo-vies!

Q: What do you call a tired cow?
A: Milked out!

Q: What goes oo ooo oooo?
A: A cow with no lips.

Q: What newspaper do cows read?
A: The Daily Moos.

Q: What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A: A steak out.

Q: Where do cows like to live?
A: St. Moo-is, Moo-ssouri, and Moo Jersey.

Q: What did the cow wear to the football game?
A: A Jersey.

Q: Why can't you shock cows?
A: They've herd it all.

Q: Why is a barn so noisy?
A: All the cows have horns.

Q: What did one cow say to the other?
A: Nothing silly, cow's don't talk.

Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.

Q: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
A: He's got no beef.

Q: What animals do you bring to bed?
A: Your calves.

Q: What happened to the lost cattle?
A: Nobody's herd.

Q: What do you call a cow that has 3 legs?
A: Lean beef

Q: What do you call a cow that has 2 legs?
A: Side of beef

Q: What do you call a cow that has 1 leg?
A: Steak

Q: What do you call a cow that has no legs?
A: Ground beef

Q: Where do cows like to ride on trains?
A: In the cow-boose.

Q: What do cows get when they do all their chores?
A: Mooney.

Q: What did one dairy cow say to another?
A: Got milk?

Q: How to you know that cows will be in heaven?
A: It's a place of udder delight.


Q: Where do cows go in the afterlife?
A: Moo Moo Land

Q: Why don't cows have any money?
A: Because the farmers milk them dry.

Q: What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
A: An udder failure.

Q: What do cows do for entertainment?
A: They go to the mooooovies.

Q: How do you make a milkshake?
A: Give a cow a pogo stick.

Q: What band is a cow favorite?
A: Moody Blues

Q: What do you call a grumpy cow?
A: Moo-dy

Q: What is a cow's favorite lunch meat?
A: Bullogna

Q: What do cows get when they are sick?
A: Hay Fever

Q: What are the spots on black-and-white cows?
A: Holstaines

Q: Why does a milking stool have only three legs?
A: Because the cow has the udder.

Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Their horns don't work.

Q: What do you call a cow who just recently had its baby?
A: Decalfinated

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bull-dozer.

The farmer had been taken so many times by the local car dealer that when the dealer wanted to buy a cow, the farmer priced it to him like this:
Basic cow, $200; two-tone exterior, $45; extra stomach $75; product storage compartment, $60; dispensing device, four spigots at $10 each, $40; genuine cowhide upholstery, $125; dual horns, $15; automatic fly swatter, $35. Total = $595.

Back to the Future 1968

That was the year when...

• Martin Luther King (39) was assassinated in Memphis
• Yuri Gagarin (35), first man in space, died in a plane crash
• Prague Spring brings with it the hope of new political freedom in Czechoslovakia
• National strikes and large scaling rioting caused French President Charles De Gaulle to dissolve the National Assembly
• The Viet Cong Launched the Tet offensive across many S. Vietnam cities

About 1968
1968 was a year of uprising all over the world with race riots and Vietnam protests in the US, National strikes and student demonstrations in France and the Soviet invasion of Czechoslovakia after the Prague Spring.

You Have been Watching...
• Dad's Army
• Do Not Adjust Your Set
• Father, Dear Father
• Rowan & Martin's Laugh-in

At the Cinema
• Oliver (Best Film Oscar)
• 2001: A Space Odyssey
• Planet Of The Apes
• The Odd Couple

Mom's Rule

* Mothers only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and when you don't..
* A mother's love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.
* Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself.
* Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won't know either, but she will fake it.
* The more you try to stay on your mother's good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is.
* The nicer a mother is, the greater the probability that her kids are rotten.
* If you can't remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn't.
* The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.
* If you forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you don't repeat them.
* Anything you do can be criticized by your mother - even doing nothing.
* Never criticize your mother's cooking if you expect to get any more of it.
* If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers.
* You can't "out mother" your mother. Don't even try.
* Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it.
* The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother.
* All mother's have a "How To" manual. That's because they wrote the book.
* Mother's way is best. If you don't believe it, ask her.
* Everything is a good idea till you mother finds out and tells you why it isn't.
* When you are broke, ask mom for a loan. She will help you remember what you wasted all your money on.
* The more expensive the gift you give your mother, the longer she will "save" it before she uses it.
* No matter how wrong you are, your mother will not hold it against you. She may remind you a number of times, but she will not hold it against you.
* No matter how much you eat, you can never get so fat that mother will not offer you more food.
* If a mother does not have an item, she will have the recipe or the directions.
* Accomplishments are made possible by your mother - failures are your own fault.
* Never forget who rocked you as a baby. That's something else you will never be able to repay her for.
* Mother can always tell you a better way to do something after you've already done it.
* The longer it's been since you cleaned house, the more likely it is that mother will visit.
* No matter how small your mom is, she will always be bigger than you are.
* If you do it yourself, mom could have done it better. If mom does it, you should have done it yourself.
* The only thing more accurate than a mother's advice is her memory of the times you didn't take it.
* The funnier the joke is, the more likely mom will think it is dirty.
* Never tell your mother you have nothing to do. She can always find something.
* If the job of a mother is going smoothly, she thinks she isn't doing it well.
* There are always two sides to a story - the way it really happened and the way mother remembers it.
* Mothers always "know." We don't know how - they just do.

True Facts, Part 6

61,000 people are airborne over the US at any given time.

A flamingo can eat only when its head is upside down.

Mark Twain was born on a day in 1835 when Halley's Comet came into view. When he died in 1910, Halley's Comet was in view again.

The Weddell seal can travel underwater for seven miles without surfacing for air.

In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put a man on the moon before I hit a home run." On July 20, 1969, a few hours after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first (and only) home run.

The longest words in the English language with only one syllable are the nine-letter "screeched" and "strengths".

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye".

All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" read 4:20.

A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

A snail can have about 25,000 teeth.

A snail can also sleep for three years.

A starfish can turn its stomach inside out.

A strand from the web of a golden spider is as strong as a steel wire of the same size.

A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans.

About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.

Google, by the Numbers

1997, Google.com domain goes on line.

2008, 1 Trillion pages indexed.

1.8 Million Shares of stock were given to Stanford for their patent on page ranking.

7.2 Million, Daily page views for google.com

87.8 Billion, monthly worldwide searches on Google.

85.78% Global marcket share for search engines.

1, Google.com global website ranking.

20PB, The amount of data processed by Google daily.

$23,650,560,000 Googles revenue in 2009

19,835, Number of employees

17, the number of Google cafeterias that have free gourmet meals.

20%, the time given to Google employees to work on their own projects.

45%, The number of products in beta.

20,000 The number of android apps.

60,000 the number of android phones shipped each day.

1.65 billion, amount Google paid for YouTube.

20, The number of hours of video uploaded every minute.

270,000 Words per minute written on Blogger.

146 Million, number of GMail users.

Back to the Future, 1967

That was the year when...

• The Green Bay Packers won the first ever Superbowl
• Che Guevara captured and killed by government forces in Bolivia
• Muhammad Ali stripped of World boxing title after refusing to enter military service
• The Beatles release the "Sgt Pepper" album
• The Monterey Pop festival opens the floodgates to the 'Summer of Love'

About 1967
1967 bore witness to the first ever Superbowl in American Football. The hippie movement reached full force and descended on places like the Ashbury disctrict of San Fransisco and the music festival became huge.

You Have been Watching...
• Never Mind The Quality, Feel The Width
• Before The Fringe
• Not in Front Of The Children
• At Last, The 1948 Show

At the Cinema
• In the Heat of the Night (Best Film Oscar)
• Cool Hand Luke
• The Graduate
• Casino Royale

Breast, just the facts.

1. The average breast weighs 1.1 lbs and contains 4-5% of the body"s total fat.

2. Like the penis. breasts swell up when aroused.

3. The average female nipple is 3/8" long when erect. Slightly taller than 5 stacked quarters.

4. The average breast size in America is a 36C. 15 years ago it was a 34B.

5. In the middle ages these sizes would have been unatractive. Smaller, wide breasts were considered perfect back then.

6. In 2008, there were 307,230 breast enlargments performed in the U.S. It was the #1 cosmetic procedure, above nose jobs at 279,000 and liposuction at 245,000.

7. In 2008, 20,967 women removed their implants, along with 17, 902 breast reductions were performed, on men.

8. The average surgery is around $3,700

9. Some of the disastrous materials used for implants are; Ivory, Glass balls, ground rubber, Ox cartilage, Polyester, and Silicone injections.

10. Sheyla Hershey is said to have the world's largest breast implants. She currently wears a 38KKK bra! Here implants are 10,000cc's, that's equel to 2.6 gallons.

11. Bra like garments have existed for women since the 7th ventury BC, however large scale production didn't begin until 1930's. Today it is a $16 Billion a year industry.

12. Women can legally go topless in the following states: Maine, New York, Ohio, Texas, and Hawaii. Although they would probably get picked up for public nuisance.

13. 5% of newborns produce breast milk for the first 2 months after birth. This is called witch's milk, and it occurs in both sexes.

14. The left breast is usually larger.

15.The Milky Way Galaxy is so named because the ancient Greeks thought it was made from drops of milk from the breasts of the Greek goddess Hera.

16. Breasts can get sunburned even when you have your swimsuit on. Most swimsuit fabric provides pretty flimsy SPF like 5 or 7. Before heading out into the summer sun, it's best to put on a minimum of an SPF 15 that includes UVA and UVB protection. Otherwise, you could wind up with sun damage.

Chuck it, Part 8

Coroners refer to dead people as ABC's: Already Been Chucked.

Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.

Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris

How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it!

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

Back to the Future, 1966

That was the year when...
• England won the football World cup (in England)
• Comedian Lenny Bruce (39) & Silent film star Buster Keaton (70) both died
• Timothy Leary arrested on drugs charges
• Boxer Hurricane Carter was arrested for Murder. He eventually had the conviction overturned in 1985, some 19 years later
• Ronald Reagan was elected Governor of California

About 1966
1966 was dominated in England by one event: The World cup which was both hosted and won by a jubilent nation. Lenny Bruce, a long term heroin user, sadly succumbed to an overdose and the Silent Film legend Buster Keaton fell silent for the last time.

You Have been Watching...
• Till Death Us Do Part
• The Monkees
• The Illustrated Weekly Hudd
• The Vital Spark

At the Cinema
• A Man for all Seasons (Best Film Oscar)
• Modesty Blaise
• Blow Up
• The Professionals

Fear of...Weird

Here's a list of fears I found a little on the weird side.

1. Ithyphallophobia – Fear of Erections

2. Ephebophobia – Fear of Youths

3. Coulrophobia – Fear of Clowns

4. Ergasiophobia – Fear of Work

5. Gymnophobia – Fear of Nudity

6. Neophobia – Fear of Newness

7. Paraskavedekatriaphobia – Fear of Friday the 13th

8. Panphobia – Fear of Everything

9. Taphophobia – Fear of being Buried Alive

10. Pteronophobia – Fear of being Tickled by Feathers

Fear of...

This is a list of the top ten phobias. Ranked by number of people inflicted with it.

1.Arachnophobia
Fear of Spiders. Half of women and 10 per cent of men have, to some degree, a fear of spiders.

2. Social Phobia
Fear of being evaluated negatively in social situations.

3. Aerophobia
Fear of flying.

4. Agoraphobia
Agoraphobia involves intense fear and avoidance of any place or situation where escape might be difficult or help unavailable in the event of developing sudden panic-like symptoms.Approximately 3.2 million American, or about 2.2 percent, have agoraphobia.

5.Claustrophobia
Fear of being trapped in small confined spaces.

6. Acrophobia
Fear of heights.

7. Emetophobia
Fear of vomit.

8. Carcinophobia -Top Ten Phobias
Fear of cancer.

9. Brontophobia
Fear of thunderstorms.

10.Necrophobia
Fear of death or or dead things

Things you shouldn't say to a cop.

1. Are you Andy or Barney?

2. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

3. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.

4. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

5. I pay your salary!

6. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

7. Hey, you must've been doing' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Back to the Future, 1965

That was the year when...

• Malcolm X assassinated during a speech in New York
• Winston Churchill dies, aged 90
• Americans planes drop Napalm on Vietnam as the conflict turns into war
• A newly electric Bob Dylan was booed off stage at the Newport Folk Festival
• Race Riots in Watts (LA) last five days and leave 30 dead and 2,200 arrested

About 1965
1965 saw the passing of comedy great Stan Laurel and America joining a war that was to cause the biggest loss of life their country had ever witnessed.

You Have been Watching...
• The Worker
• The Danny Kaye Show
• The Munsters
• Milligan's Wake

At the Cinema
• The Sound of Music (Best Film Oscar)
• Lord Jim
• The Ipcress File
• Those Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines

Mess with their heads, Part 1

Next time you're at a restaurant, order a diet water.

When someone asks you to do something, ask if they want that super-sized.

Run one lap around the office at top speed.

Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".

Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

Walk sideways to the photocopier.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on and off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While a co-worker is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, PLEASE! All of you just shut up!".

At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".

Back to the Future, 1964

That was the year when...

• Soviet Premier Nikita Krushchev deposed and replaced by Leonid Brezhnev
• Lenny Bruce obscenity trial for offensive language held in New York
• The Beatles conquer America, touring while 'I want to hold your hand' tops the Billboard charts
• 22 year old Cassius Clay steals the world Heavyweight crown from Sonny Liston
• James Bond author Ian Flemming dies of a heart attack, aged 56

About 1964
By 1964 the Beatles had conquered the rest of the world and were now busy doing the same in America. Harpo Marx died leaving only Groucho from the classic trio.

You Have been Watching...
• The Addams Family
• Bewitched
• Car 54, Where Are You?
• The Likely Lads

At the Cinema
• My Fair Lady (Best Film Oscar)
• Dr Strangelove
• A Hard Day's Night
• Mary Poppins

Never, Never, Ever.

Never eat at a place called Mom's.

Never play cards with a man named Doc.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.

Never share a foxhole with someone who is braver than you are.

Never argue with a woman when she's tired.

Never argue with a woman when she's rested.

Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight!

Never decide to buy anything while listening to the salesman.

Never argue with a fool. People may not be able to tell the difference.

Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.

Never argue with a man who buys ink by the gallon.

Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river.

Never say "Oops in an operating room.

Never try to out-stubborn a cat.

Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance.

Never eat prunes when you're hungry.

Never use one word when twelve will suffice.

Never hold a rap contest at a square dance.

Never buy a recording of a heavy metal barbershop quartet.

Never be the first one in the pool.

Never let go of what you have unless you have hold of something else.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow.

Homerizm, Part 2

You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car!

Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex! It's also the food preparation.

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well...all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!

It's like something out of that "twilighty" show about that zone.

Marge, you being a cop makes you the man - which makes me the woman; and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which (as we discussed) is strictly a comfort thing.

Whenever Marge turns on one of her "non-violent" programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for love...

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England!

I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming.

Without our immigrants, who will kick our field goals, or train our white tigers?

Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close!

Beer - now THERE'S a temporary solution.

Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

You're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!

Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson.'

Insults, Part 1

She's a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

He's as sharp as a bowling ball.

He's a recovering alcoholic: recovering from last night!

You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!

She's so wrinkled, her mother was a Shar Pei.

Does your face hurt, because it's killing me!

He's a couple of terrorists short of a Jihad.

He's so dumb, he sits on the TV and watches the sofa.

You're so ugly, when you go into the bank they turn off the surveillance cameras.

Her driveway doesn't go all the way to the road.

Thinks he's a real wit. He's half right.

In a battle of wits she's unarmed.

The oven's on, but nothing's cooking.

He's a little too tall for his blood supply.

When I think of all the people I respect the most, you're right there, serving them drinks.

I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how could they?

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

He's a few clowns short of a circus.

She's a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

She's a few Cokes short of a six-pack.

He's a few peas short of a casserole.

The wheel's spinning, but his hamster's dead.

She's one taco short of a combination plate.

She's a few feathers short of a whole duck.

Gone, Just gone.

You had a late night, and an early flight. Not long after taking off, you drift off to sleep. Suddenly your wide awake. There's cold air rushing everywhere, and sound. Intense, horrible, sound. Where am I?, you think. Where's the plane?

Your 6 miles up, your alone, your falling.

First off your lucky, well at least luckier than that drunk guy that fell off a balcony a mere ten stories up. Nobody lives after one of those.

You have about three minutes to impact. Because air is scarce at 35,000 feet your about to pass out from hypoxia. you'll be out for a full minute. When you wake up, remember what your about to read.

Your awake, time to save your life. Speed wise, your going to top out at about 120 MPH, which you did after the first 1500 feet. Spread your legs and arms out making as large a surface area as possible. This will slow your decent, slightly.

Your at 22,000 feet think big. A snow covered mountain is your best bet. Swamps with their spongy plant life is also good. If you've heard about aiming for a hey mound, don't. At this height it's the size of a grain of sand. Farm land, although not as soft, the tilled Earth is better than asphalt. There is a debate concerning a water impact. Some say it's the best, some say it's the worst. If you have other options, choose something else. You can't drown in a corn field. Trees are bad. There have been several survivors that landed in trees. Trees tend to skewer more than save. Your very last resort, a large flat building. You'll pass through the roof, but with luck that will slow your decent enough that when you hit the floor, you'll live.

Your now at 1,000 feet and your journey is almost complete. It's time to go from flat, to pointy. Whatever your aiming for, aim with your feet. The idea is that as your lower body strikes the ground, it absorbs some of the energy and protects your brain. Nearly every fall whether from 35 feet, or 35,000 feet, death is due to trauma to the brain. Roll if possible, it could be the thing that saves your life.

After thought, if you could have latched on to a peace of wreckage from the plane and road it down. You would have been three times more likely to survive. Their called wreckage riders, the chunk of plane absorbs some of the impact, and slowed your decent.

Fortune cookies gone bad, Part 1

# Man who run in front of car get tired.

# Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

# Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.

# War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

# Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

# Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

# It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

# Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

# Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

# Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

# Don't eat the snow where the huskies go!

# Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

# Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.

# He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

# Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

# Man who sit on tack get point!

# Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!

# Man that is stuck in pantry has his ass in jam.

# Man standing on toilet is high on pot.

# Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk

# Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete's tongue!

# Man who live in glass house should not throw parties!

# Man that go to bed with itchy butt wake up with sticky fingers!

# When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.

# "Man with glass house must dress in basement!"

# Everyone has a photographic memory, some people just don't have film!

# Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Back to the Future, 1963

That was the year when...
• UK: The Great Train Robbery netted the infamous gang a cool £2.6m
• John F Kennedy was shot and a thousand conspiracy theories were born
• The infamous Alcatraz closed it's doors for the last time as a prison
• The British government revealed that newspaper correspondant Kim Philby was a Soviet spy
• Civil rights leader Medger Evers murdered outside his home

About 1963
1963 was a time of great political unrest with the assassinations of JFK and Medgar Evers sparking race riots across the country. In the UK the Profumo scandal broke causing John Profumo to resign and Dr Stephen Ward to commit suicide.

You Have been Watching...
• The Stanley Baxter Show
• The Beverly Hillbillies
• The Dick Van Dyke Show
• The Dick Emery Show

At the Cinema
• Tom Jones (Best Film Oscar)
• It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World
• The Pink Panther
• Cleopatra

Movie facts, Part 2

In The Godfather (1972), John Marley’s (Jack Wolz) scream of horror in the horse head scene was real, as he was not told that a real horse head, which was obtained from a dog food company, was going to be used.

The first movie fashion fad was Hollywood star Mary Pickford’s (1892-1979) curls, which were augmented from the hair of Los Angeles prostitutes, employees of Bit Suzy’s French Whorehouse.

The first nude scene in a major motion picture was of swimmer and actress Annette Kellerman (1887-1975) in A Daughter of the Gods (1916).

The top five biggest grossing films on opening day in the United States and Canada before inflation are The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), The Dark Knight (2008), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), Spider-Man 3 (2007), and Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009).

The five highest domestic grosses adjusted for inflation are Gone With the Wind (1939), Star Wars (1977), The Sound of Music, (1965), E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial (1982), and The Ten Commandments (1956).

19. In 1923, Mark Sennett, Harry Chandler, and the Los Angeles Times put up the “Hollywoodland” (later shortened to “Hollywood”) sign to publicize a real estate development. The sign cost $21,000.

For The Twilight Saga: New Moon, each actor portraying one of the wolf pack was required to have documentation proving Native American descent.

The director of 2012 (2009), Roland Emmerich, is a fan of rapper 50 Cent, whose real name is Curtis Jackson. The Jackson Curtis character in the film is 50 Cent's real name inverted.

The Twilight Saga: Twilight movie's opening weekend totaled to $69.6 million, which was the biggest opening for a film directed by a woman and starring a woman. Nearly 80% of tickets were bought buy women.s

The highest grossing movies never to reach number one on the U.S. charts are My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002) $241,438,208, Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007) $217,326,336, and Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (2009) $196, 519, 585.

The most profitable moves, based on absolute profit in worldwide gross, are Avatar (2010), Titanic (1997), Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003), Jurassic Park (1993), and Shrek 2 (2004).

The biggest money losers, based on absolute loss on worldwide gross, are Town & Country (2001), Stealth (2005), The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002), Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001), and The 13th Warrior (1999).

According to the Movie Mistakes Web site, the movies with the most goofs are Apocalypse Now (1979) 390, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004) 296, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002) 289, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987) 267, and The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) 262.

Back to the Future 1962

That was the year when...
Marilyn Monroe died in suspicious circumstances in Los Angeles
Brazil won the football world cup (in Chile)
Popular TV Comic Ernie Kovacs died in a car crash
John Glenn became the first American to orbit Earth
Nazi mass murderer Adolf Eichmann was Hanged in Israel

About 1962
1962 is the year that the first Television satellite pictures were seen in America using the Telstar satellite. The James Bond legend hit the big screen and the Americans caught up with Russia by putting their own man in space.

You have been watching
The Lucy Show
The Bruce Forsyth Show
Steptoe & Son

At The cinema
Lawrence of Arabia (Best Film Oscar)
Dr No
That Was The Week That Was
The Longest Day
Merrill's Marauders

Don't, Just Don't

* Don't eat rocks.
* Don't take naps in the road.
* Don't stoke fires with your fingers.
* Don't throw a brick straight up.
* Don't breathe car exhaust.
* If you ever meet the President, don't offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket.
* For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.
* Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
* Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.
* The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.
* If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don't do it with your head.
* Don't flip off the Mafia.
* If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.
* Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.
* Light birthday cake candles from back to front.
* Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should put things into them.
* Don't stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.
* The warning "Don't try this at home" really means "Don't try this at all."
* Don't bathe in a tub full of snow.
* Don't iron clothes while wearing them.
* Don't eat hot coals.
* Don't escape in to jail.
* Don't wash floors with cough syrup.
* Don't kick porcupines with bare feet.
* Don't sled down hills with interstates at the bottom.
* Sell at most one of your kidneys.
* Don't lie down in a cattle pen.
* Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.
* Don't test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.
* Don't snap towels at passing cops.
* Don't throw an angry cat straight up.
* Don't lick dry ice.
* Don't pour salt in your eyes.
* Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.
* Don't microwave yourself.
* Don't chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.
* Don't swallow toothpaste.
* Don't chew Tylenol.
* Don't bathe in gasoline.
* Don't sneak up to a stallion and whack it on the rump.
* Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.
* Don't lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish.
* Don't go swimming in a well.
* Rake leaves, not people.
* Don't kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots.
* Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don't jump out of a window -- use the stairs.
* When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.
* Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether.
* Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.
* Use a pot holder when removing items from the oven.
* If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
* Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
* When using a weed whacker, don't hold the end with the wire.
* When using a blow gun --draw your breath before placing your lips around the barrel.
* No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
*Don't use a medal object to remove stuck toast from a toaster.

Chuck it, Part 7

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.

Chuck Norris’ favorite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.

Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth.

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Back to the Future 1961

That was the year when...
• East Germany was divided by the Berlin Wall
• Yuri Gagarin became the first man in space, orbiting the Earth aboard Vostok 1
• Old Western star Gary Cooper died, aged 60
• Chubby Checker hit the big time with 'The Twist'
• Writer Earnest Hemmingway committed suicide

About 1961
In 1961 history changed as the space race hotted and the Russians got the first man in space. Bob Dylan appeared on the music scene and in Liverpool a band, later to be called the Beatles had started to play together.

You Have been Watching...
• The Arthur Askey Show
• It's A Square World
• Comedy Playhouse
• Here's Harry

At the Cinema
• West Side Story (Best film Oscar)
• Breakfast At Tiffany's
• The Misfits
• La Dolce Vita

True Facts, Part 5

The Pentagon has twice as many restrooms as necessary. When it was built, segregation was still in place in Virginia, so separate restrooms for blacks and whites were required by law.

In England, in the 1880's, "Pants" was considered a dirty word.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

In 2003, there were 86 days of below-freezing weather in Hell, Michigan.

It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is "shake" and the 46th word from the last word is "spear".

If you stretch a standard Slinky out flat it measures 87 feet long.

The strength of early lasers was measured in Gillettes, the number of blue razor blades a given beam could puncture.

The drive-through line on opening day at the McDonald's restaurant in Kuwait City, Kuwait was at times seven miles long.

The Pentagon in Washington, D. C. has five sides, five stories, and five acres in the middle.

Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

There is an ATM at McMurdo Station in Antarctica, which has a winter population of 200.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Newborn babies are given to the wrong mother in the hospital 12 times a day worldwide.

The Starbucks at the highest elevation is on Main Street in Breckenridge, Colorado.

In 1998, more fast-food employees were murdered on the job than police officers.

The lead singer of The Knack, famous for "My Sharona," and Jack Kevorkian's lead defense attorney are brothers, Doug and Jeffrey Feiger.

Two very popular and common objects have the same function, but one has thousands of moving parts, while the other has absolutely no moving parts - an hourglass and a sundial.

One out of three employees who received a promotion use a coffee mug with the company logo on it.

If you know a (male) millionaire who happens to be married, The most likely profession of his wife is a teacher.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

1 pound of lemons contain more sugar than 1 pound of strawberries.

The "you are here" arrow on maps is called an ideo locator.

60% of all US potato products originate in Idaho.

Back to the Future, 1960

What was happening.
• The French conducted nuclear tests in the Sahara desert
• John F Kennedy became President (USA)
• Floyd Patterson became the first boxer to regain the World Heavyweight title
• Premier of the Alfred Hitchcock classic 'Psycho'
• Mack Sennet, the man responsible for the 'Keystone Kops films, died age 80.

About 1960
At the start of the 'swinging' sixties, things weren't swinging too much yet. The decade that was to bring the Beatles, Woodstock, a war in Vietnam and the landing of the first man on the moon, was still a little naive.

You Have been Watching...
• Hancock's Half Hour
• The Arthur Haynes Show
• I Love Lucy
• The Larkins

At the Cinema
• The Apartment (best film Oscar)
• Spartacus
• The Magnificent Seven
• Psycho

Husband 1.0

I received a little flak from the Wife 1.0 post, so here's the other side of things.



Dear Technical Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance — particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. The new program also began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate


Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: ” C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Do not attempt to enhance system performance by installing Hot Guy At Gym 6.2. This will crash Husband 1.0 and cause on reboot Gun 2.0 to launch.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

These are the odds, Part 5

The odds are 1 out of 88,025 (.001136%) that you will die in an avalanche in the next decade, if you live in Colorado. - Discover Magazine, 1/08

The odds are 1 out of 3 (33%) that you think you are "extremely stressed". - New York Times, 10/26/07

The odds are 1 out of 7 (14%) that you think you saw a UFO. - The Week Magazine, 11/9/07

The odds are 1 out of 3 (34%) that you believe in ghosts. - The Week Magazine, 11/9/07

The odds are 1 out of 1,743 (.0573%) that you will die in an accident this year. - Discover Magazine, 11/07

The odds are 1 out of 8 (12.5%) that you leave home for your commute to work before 6 a.m. to beat traffic. - The Week Magazine, 9/28/07

The odds are 1 out of 2 (45.9%) that you do some volunteer work each year. - Time Magazine, 9/10/07

The odds are 1 out of 4 (24%) that you live in a home without access to a fire hydrant. - The Week Magazine, 9/7/07

The odds are 1 out of 25 (4%) that you (as an American adult) have never had sex. - Time Magazine, 8/13/07

The odds are 1 out of 83 (1.2%) that you are dependent on drugs to get you through the day. - Time Magazine, 7/16/07

The odds are 1 out of 5 (20%) that you have tried cocaine at some point in your life (if you are between 20 and 49 years old). - San Diego Union, 7/10/07

The odds are 8 out of 10 (80%) that you are dependent on coffee or soda for that caffeine every day. - Time Magazine, 7/16/07

The odds are 1 out of 13 (7.7%) that you are dependent on alcohol to get you through the day. - Time Magazine, 7/16/07

The odds are 1 out of 428 (.233%) that you were arrested for marijuana-related offenses in 2006. - The Week Magazine, 7/20/07

The odds are 1 out of 7 (15%) that you have a tattoo. - The Week Magazine, 7/13/07

The odds are 1 out of 38 (2.6%) that you were a victim of a violent crime in 2006 if you live in Flint, Michigan. - Time Magazine, 6/18/07