Friday, February 26, 2010

Wife 1.0

This has been around long before the internet, and in many forms. But it's still funny.


Dear Tech Support:
Last Year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of valueable space and resources. The new program also seems to need more and better system specs every month. Wife 1.0 installed it self into all other programs and now moniters all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5 and Racing 3.6 are automatically blocked and when tried to open the system shuts down. I cant seem to keep Wife 1.0 running in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking of going back to GirlFriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. please Help!
Thanks,
A troubled User,

REPLY:
Dear troubled User,
This is a very common problem that many Wife 1.0 user complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to wife 1.0, thinking it is just a entertainment and utilities program. Wife 1.0 is a OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by it's creator to run, check moniter EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 users manual under Warning-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving your overall system. I suggest installing the backgroud application "YES DEAR" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system willl return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintainence. Wife 1.0 comes with many support programs, such as CLEAN AND SWEEP 3.0, COOK IT 1.5 and DO BILLS 4.2. However, be very carefull how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to luanch NAG NAG 9.5. Once this happence, the only way to regain previous proformence of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 1.0 and Diamond 5.0! WARNING!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretery With Short Skirt 3.3. or Hooker 2.3 these applications are not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversable and unerasable damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck,
Tech Support,

Sun, Facts


The sun contains 99.85% of the mass in the solar system.

Classified as a G2 dwarf due to its size, heat, and chemical makeup, the sun is a medium-sized star.

Based on the average life of a G2 star, the present age of the sun is estimated to be 4.6 billion years, halfway through its lifetime.

Four million tons of hydrogen are consumed by the sun every second.

Approximately 109 planet Earths would fit on the surface of the sun and more than one million planet Earths would fit inside of the sun.

Every 11 years, solar activity surges. The sunspots that pepper the sun explode, hurtling massive clouds of gas through the solar system.

The sun is 92.96 million miles away from Earth.

At its core, the sun’s temperature is about 27 million degrees Fahrenheit.

The sun rotates on its axis once every 25.38 Earth days or 609.12 hours.

A person weighing 150 pounds on Earth would weigh 4,200 pounds on the sun because the sun’s gravity is 28 times that of Earth.

The sun radiates heat and a steady stream of charged particles known as the solar wind, which blows about 280 miles per second.

All planets orbit the sun in the same direction, counterclockwise, and on roughly the same plane, known as the ecliptic.

During a 75-year period beginning in 1645, astronomers detected almost no sunspot activity on the sun. Called the “Maunder Minimum,” this event coincided with the coldest part of the Little Ice Age, a 350-year cold spell that gripped much of Europe and North America.

Webster Says, Part 4


Namesis: A person who shares your name but is much richer and more famous than you.

Onosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Out of Bounds: An exhausted kangaroo.

Parachute: A double barreled shotgun.

Pedestrian: A motorist with two or more children of driving age.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perfect Pitch: What it is when you throw a banjo in a dumpster and it didn't hit the sides.

Petranoid: Someone who is both petrified and paranoid. Usually a mother.

Phonecrastinate: To put off answering the phone until caller ID identifies the caller.

Porcupine: A craving for bacon.

Raisin: Grape with a sunburn.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

Stalemate: An old spouse.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swipeout: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Syndrome: Committing wrongdoing in the Vatican.

Syntax: Money in the collection plate.

Tax: A fine for doing right.

Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.

Vocabularian: A person who makes up new words.

Will: A dead giveaway.

Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.

No Respect, Part 6


I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once, a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional; the knife had butter on it.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I'm so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Guide to Men


Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present again!

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's a Jakie Chan or Bruce Lee movie.)

Going to the Dogs, Part 1

All dogs can be traced back 40 million years ago to a weasel-like animal called the Miacis which dwelled in trees and dens.

Ancient Egyptians revered their dogs. When a dog would die, the owners shaved off their eyebrows, smeared mud in their hair, and mourned for days.

Small quantities of grapes and raisins can cause renal failure in dogs. Chocolate, macadamia nuts, cooked onions, or anything with caffeine can also be harmful.

Apple and pear seeds contain arsenic, which may be deadly to dogs.

Dogs have sweat glands in between their paws.

Dogs have three eyelids. The third lid, called a nictitating membrane or “haw,” keeps the eye lubricated and protected.

A dog’s shoulder blades are unattached to the rest of the skeleton to allow greater flexibility for running.

Puppies are sometimes rejected by their mother if they are born by cesarean and cleaned up before being given back to her.

The phrase “raining cats and dogs” originated in seventeenth-century England. During heavy rainstorms, many homeless animals would drown and float down the streets, giving the appearance that it had actually rained cats and dogs.

During the Middle Ages, Great Danes and Mastiffs were sometimes suited with armor and spiked collars to enter a battle or to defend supply caravans.

Pekingese and Japanese Chins were so important in the ancient Far East that they had their own servants and were carried around trade routes as gifts for kings and emperors. Pekingese were even worshiped in the temples of China for centuries.

The shape of a dog’s face suggests how long it will live. Dogs with sharp, pointed faces that look more like wolves typically live longer. Dogs with very flat faces, such as bulldogs, often have shorter lives.

After the fall of Rome, human survival often became more important than breeding and training dogs. Legends of werewolves emerged during this time as abandoned dogs traveling in packs commonly roamed streets and terrified villagers.

During the Middle Ages, mixed breeds of peasants’ dogs were required to wear blocks around their necks to keep them from breeding with noble hunting dogs. Purebred dogs were very expensive and hunting became the province of the rich.

The most dogs ever owned by one person were 5,000 Mastiffs owned by Kubla Khan.

The American Kennel Club, the most influential dog club in the United States, was founded in 1884.

The most popular male dog names are Max and Jake. The most popular female dog names are Maggie and Molly.

Weird dog laws include allowing police offers in Palding, Ohio, to bite a dog to quiet it. In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Bumper Stickers, Part 3

Cat: the other white meat.

Squirrels - nature's speed bumps.

I'm still a hot babe, but now it comes in flashes.

I'm not saying you're a monkey, but take this banana and scram.

National Spellling Bee Runer-Up

The winner of the rat race is still a rat.

The Moral Majority is neither.

Dyslexics Untie!

Sorry if I look interested, I'm not!

I would rather hunt with Dick Cheney than drive with Ted Kenned.

When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.

In case of rapture, can I have your car?

Custer wore an Arrow shirt.

I'm pink, therefore I'm SPAM.

I love animals. They're delicious.

I poke bears with spoons.

Be alert. The world needs more lerts.

Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Humans didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become vegetarians!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE!

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.

That's not a haircut, it's a cry for help.

If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!

So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.

Want a little taste of religion? Bite the minister.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!

Life is too short to worry about how short life is.

Excess is never too much in moderation.

Conserve toilet paper - use both sides.

My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most states.

To err is human, to moo bovine.

Think globally, Act galactically.

My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.

Human Facts, Part 1


As you age, your eye color gets lighter.

There are 206 bones in the adult human body, but 300 in children (some of the bones fuse together as a child grows).

The human eye blinks an average of 4,200,000 times a year.

It takes approximately 12 hours for food to entirely digest.

The longest living cells in the body are brain cells which can live an entire lifetime.

There are more living organisms on the skin of a single human being than there are human beings on the surface of the earth.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.

Life expectancy for Russian men has actually gone down over the past 40 years. A Russian male born today can expect to live an average 58 years.

In 1985, the most popular waist size for men's pants was 32. In 2003, it's 36.

Seven percent of Americans claim they never bathe at all.

In 2004, one in six girls in the United States enter puberty at age 8. A hundred years ago, only one in a hundred entered puberty that early.

Newest trend in the Netherlands: Tiny jewels implanted directly into the eye.

A British gymnast survived a fall from a fourth story window because he went into a somersault and came down on two feet.

Jeffrey and Sheryl McGowen in Houston turned to vitro fertilization. Two eggs were implanted in Sheryl's womb, and both of them split. Sheryl gave birth to two sets of identical twins at once.

The average North Korean 7-year-old is almost three inches shorter than the average South Korean 7-year-old.

Every year, 2700 surgical patients go home from the hospital with metal tools, sponges, and other objects left inside them. In 2000, 57 people died as a result of these mistakes.

We forget 80 percent of what we learn everyday.

Pain is measured in units of "dols". The instrument used to measure pain is a "dolorimeter".

The Amish a diet high in meat, dairy, refined sugars and calories. Yet obesity is virtually unknown among them. The difference is since they have no TVs, cars or powered machines, they spend their time in manual labor.

As of January 1, 2004, the population of the United States increases by one person every 12 seconds. There is a birth every eight seconds, an immigrant is added every 25 seconds, but a death every 13 seconds.

Astronauts cannot burp in space. There is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Chuck it, Part 6


Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris can put humpty dumpty back together again.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.

Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wiseman, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

These are the odds, Part 4



The odds are 1 out of 230 (.43%) that you are legally blind. - The Week Magazine, 3/28/08

The odds are 1 out of 23,483 (.00425%) that you will be wrongly declared dead this year as a result of a data entry error by the U. S. Social Security Department staff. - San Diego Union, 3/20/08

The odds are 1 out of 3 (33%) that you have fallen asleep or have felt very sleepy at work in the last month. - EWeek Magazine, 3/17/08

The odds are 8 out of 10 (80%) that you occasionally suffer from back pain that is severe enough to limit your activity at some point during your life. - Wired Magazine, 2/08

The odds are 1 out of 3 (33%) that (if you have a baby this year in America) it will be delivered by Caesarean Section. - Newsweek, 1/28/08

The odds are 1 out of 138 (.725%) that you have complained that airlines have mishandled or lost your baggage. - Wired Magazine, 2/08

The odds are 1 out of 4,615 (.0216%) that you were injured last year opening a plastic "clamshell" package. - Wired Magazine, 2/08

The odds are 1 out of 600 (0.167%) that you will die from cancer this year, so says the American Cancer Society. - Discover Magazine, 2/08

The odds are 1 out of 210 (0.467%) that you will be diagnosed with some form of cancer this year, so says the American Cancer Society. - Discover Magazine, 2/08

The odds are 2 out of 3 (67%) that your home had a real Christmas tree in December 2007. - The Week Magazine, 12/28/07

The odds are 1 out of 1,111,111 (.00009%) that you will die in an avalanche in the next decade. - Discover Magazine, 1/08

The odds are 1 out of 62,370 (.0016%) that you will die in a traffic accident while riding a motorcycle this year. - The Week Magazine, 4/11/08

The odds are 1 out of 1,450,000 (.000069%) that you will die this year while warming up your car in your garage (carbon monoxide poisoning). - San Diego Union, 1/1/08

Monday, February 22, 2010

Movie Quotes, Airplane


Ted Striker: My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We're bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We're coming in from the north, below their radar.
Elaine Dickinson: When will you be back?
Ted Striker: I can't tell you that. It's classified.

Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?
Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.

Rex Kramer: Striker, listen, and you listen close: flying a plane is no different than riding a bicycle, just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.

Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.
Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.
Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines

[as the plane prepares to take off]
Hanging Lady: Nervous?
Ted Striker: Yes.
Hanging Lady: First time?
Ted Striker: No, I've been nervous lots of times.

Elaine Dickinson: There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?

Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?
Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.

Elaine Dickinson: You got a letter from headquarters this morning.
Ted Striker: What is it?
Elaine Dickinson: It's a big building where generals meet, but that's not important.

Steve McCroskey: Johnny, what can you make out of this?
[Hands him the weather briefing]
Johnny: This? Why, I can make a hat or a brooch or a pterodactyl...

Rumack: What was it we had for dinner tonight?
Elaine Dickinson: Well, we had a choice of steak or fish.
Rumack: Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna.

Operator: [Captain Oveur is on the phone with the Mayo Clinic] Excuse me, Captain Oveur, but I have an emergency call on line 5 from a Mr. Hamm.
Captain Oveur: Alright, give me a Hamm on 5, hold the Mayo.

Male announcer: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone.
Female announcer: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone.
Male announcer: The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the white zone.
Female announcer: No, the white zone is for loading of passengers and there is no stopping in a RED zone.
Male announcer: The red zone has always been for loading and unloading of passengers. There's never stopping in a white zone.
Female announcer: Don't you tell me which zone is for loading, and which zone is for stopping!
Male announcer: Listen Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit again.
Male announcer: There's just no stopping in a white zone.
Female announcer: Oh really, Vernon? Why pretend, we both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have an abortion.
Male announcer: It's really the only sensible thing to do, if its done safely. Therapeutically there's no danger involved.

Jack Kirkpatrick: Shanna, they bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into. I say, let 'em crash.

Controller: I know but this guy has no flying experience at all. He's a menace to himself and everything else in the air... yes, birds too.

True Facts, Part 4


The word 'byte' is a contraction of 'by eight.'

The dollar symbol ($) is a U combined with an S (U.S.)

Maine is the toothpick capital of the world.

Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

The tune for the "A-B-C" song is the same as "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."

Des Moines has the highest per capita Jello consumption in the U.S.

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

Great Britain was the first county to issue postage stamps. Hence, the postage stamps of Britain are the only stamps in the world not to bear the name of the country of origin.

Since 1896, the beginning of the modern Olympics, only Greece and Australia have participated in every Games.

Marie Curie, the Nobel prize winning scientist who discovered radium, died of radiation poisoning.

Medical research has found substances in mistletoe that can slow down tumor growth.

Microsoft made $16,005 in revenue in its first year of operation.

Most dust particles in your house come from dead skin.

Nazi leader Adolf Hitler had only one testicle.

New York''s Central Park is nearly twice the size of the entire country of Monaco.

Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.

Nylon is made from coal and petroleum.

Oil tycoon, John D. Rockefeller, was the world''s first billionaire.

On average, a disposable diaper can hold up to 7 pounds of liquid.

On average, the life span of an American dollar bill is eighteen months.

One gallon of used motor oil can ruin approximately one million gallons of fresh water.

Paper money is not made from wood pulp but from cotton. This means that it will not disintegrate as fast if it is put in the laundry.

Pilgrims did not eat with forks. They only used spoons, knives and their fingers.

Q-Tip Cotton Swabs were originally called Baby Gays.

Rapper LL Cool J''s name is short for ëLadies Love Cool Jamesí.

Reno, Nevada is actually west of Los Angeles, California.

Research indicates that babies who suck on pacifiers are more prone to ear aches.

Some asteroids have other asteroids orbiting them.

Some toothpastes and deodorants contain the same chemicals found in antifreeze.

Tasmania is said to have the cleanest air in the world.

Friday, February 19, 2010

No Respect, Part 5


I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps… from moving cars.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn't met me yet.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!

Facts About Poop


75% of poop is water.
Of the remaining 25%,
1/3 is Fiber our bodies can't digest, but it helps our poop move through our body.
1/3 is composed of dead bacteria.
1/3 is a mixture of fat, inorganic salts, dead cells, mucus, and live bacteria.

Poop stinks because bacteria produce foul smelling compounds that are rich in sulfur and nitrogen.

Poop that floats have unusually high gas content.

Rabbits can poop up to 500 pellets a day.

With the help of a high fiber diet, the longest poop ever recorded was 26 feet long.

The outer skin of a corn kernel is indigestible and only seems like a whole kernel when it comes out.

Some caterpillars can fling their poop up to three feet to elude predators.

The average human poops 2 pounds a day.

Elephants produce up to 80 pounds a day.

Coffee cherries are fed to Civets ( a small weasel like animal), during the digestion, the animal's enzymes mix with the coffee beans and it comes out in their poop.

Civet coffee can cost up to $600.00 a pound.

The color of poop.

Brown, caused by bilirubin, a pigment resulting from the breakdown of red blood cells.

Green, The over consumption of leafy, green vegetables.

Red, caused by bleeding in the lower digestive tract or rectum.

Yellow, Indicates bowel hyper-mobility, or to much stomach acid.

Blue, Illness in babies, or foods that contain high amounts of blue food coloring.

White, lack of bile.

Black, indicates bleeding in the upper digestive tract.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Webster Says, Part 3


Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Elbonics: The art of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a theater.

Fine: A tax for doing wrong.

Flusterpated: Being so flustered that words get bound up inside you.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

Handkerchief: Cold Storage.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Instigator: What you add water to when you want an alligator.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O. J. trials were a prime example.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Lasterday: Any day before today.

Matricide: Killing yourself on a bed.

Mistress: Somewhere between a mister and a mattress.

Monogamy: A bored game for adults.

Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.

Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Myth: A female moth.

Naggavator: The person in the passenger seat who is having trouble reading the map. Also, anyone who is helping to drive but not actually behind the wheel.

True Facts, Part 3


A jellyfish is 95 percent water.

In Bangladesh, kids as young as 15 can be jailed for cheating on their finals.

A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate.

The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.

The penguin is the only bird who can swim, but not fly.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

Q is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear in the name of any of the United States.

America once issued a 5-cent bill.

You'll eat about 35,000 cookies in your lifetime.

Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep him cool. He changed it every 2 innings.

Fortune cookies were actually invented in America, in 1918, by Charles Jung.

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue.

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

The pitches that Babe Ruth hit for his last-ever homerun and that Joe DiMaggio hit for his first-ever homerun where thrown by the same man.

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head.

In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs.

There are over 52.6 million dogs in the U.S.

Dogs and cats consume almost $7 billion worth of pet food a year.

Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Chuck it, Part 5


Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."

Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris once threaten to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.

Movie Facts, Part 1


Originally, the term “movies” did not mean films, but the people who made them. It was generally used with disdain by early Hollywood locals who disliked the “invading” Easterners.

The first film ever made in Hollywood was D.W. Griffith’s 1910 In Old California, a Biograph melodrama about a Spanish maiden.

When Horace and Daeida Wilcox founded Hollywood in 1887, they hoped it would become a religious community. Prohibitionists, they banned liquor from the town and offered free land to anyone willing to build a church.

The “running W” was a trip wire to make horses fall over at the critical moment during filming. The device broke countless horses’ legs and necks. It is now illegal.

The most filmed author is William Shakespeare, including straight film versions, modern adaptations (West Side Story [1961], The Lion King [1994], etc.).

The shortest dialogue script since the introduction of talkies was written for Mel Brook’s Silent Movie (1976), which has only one spoken word throughout: “Non.”

The character most frequently portrayed in horror films is Count Dracula, the creation of the Irish writer Bram Stoker (1847-1912).

The first motion picture to depict a non-pornographic sex act was Extase (1933) starring Hedwig Kiesler, known later as Hedy Lamarr (1913-2000). Her character flees from an impotent husband, runs naked through the woods, bathes, and then has sex with a young engineer in a hut.

The earliest known American pornographic film is the 1915 A Free Ride, a.k.a. A Grass Sandwich. The film was directed by “A. Wise Guy” and was written by “Will She.”

The Western Hero most portrayed on screen has been William Frederick Cody, a.k.a. Buffalo Bill, followed by William Bonny, a.k.a. Billy the Kid.

The first black person to play a leading role in a feature film was Sam Lucas (1850-1916) who was cast in the title role of Uncle Tom’s Cabin (1914). The first black actor to make a career in films was Noble Johnson (1881-1978).

The Hollywood star who played the most leading roles in feature films was John Wayne (1907-1979), who appeared in 153 movies. The star with the most screen credits is John Carradine (1906-1988), who has been in over 230 movies.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Politically Correctness



Say it right, or don't say it at all.






HOW TO
SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a ‘BABE’ or a ‘CHICK’ – She is a ‘ BREASTED AMERICAN.‘

2. She is not ‘EASY’ – She is ‘HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE..’

3. She is not a ‘DUMB BLONDE’ – She is a ‘LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..’

4. She has not ‘BEEN AROUND’ – She is a ‘PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.’

5. She does not ‘NAG’ you – She becomes ‘ VERBALLY REPETITIVE.’

6. She is not a ‘TWO-BIT HOOKER’ – She is a ‘ LOW COST PROVIDER.’

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a ‘BEER GUT’ – He has developed a ‘LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.’

2. He is not a ‘BAD DANCER’ – He is ‘ OVERLY CAUCASIAN.’

3. He does not ‘GET LOST ALL THE TIME’ – He ‘ INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.’

4. He is not ‘BALDING’ – He is in ‘FOLLICLE REGRESSION.’

5. He does not act like a ‘TOTAL ASS’ – He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.’

6. It’s not his ‘CRACK’ you see hanging out of his pants – It’s ‘TROUSER CLEAVAGE !’

Bumper Stickers, Part 2


Where is the rapture when you need it?

Faster than a speeding ticket.

People who think they know it all really annoy those of us who do.


Ham radio operators do it with greater frequency.

I have a perfect body. It's your vision that's defective.

I never thought I'd miss Nixon.

Well, at least the war on the environment is going well.

Jesus loves me, this I know - that is why I don't drive slow!

Just be happy I'm not a twin.

I'm not perfect, but I'm so close that it scares me.

Churches only worship the prophet margin.

Screw world peace, visualize DRIVING.

You probably don't recognize me without the cape.

Don't believe everything you think.

My feminine side is lesbian.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

WWJD (Who Wants Jelly Donuts?)

I'm schizophrenic and so am I.

Cats make everything taste better.

Stable relationships are for horses.

Your body would look good in my trunk.

Just say NO to negativity.

I thought I was indecisive; now I'm not so sure.

333: I'm only half evil.

I read the Constitution for the articles.

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade.

I've heard about the evils of drinking beer, so I gave up reading.

Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against doors, tables, walls).

My gamer fragged your honor student.

The bigger the hat, the better the cowboy.

My dog is smarter than your honor student.

I feel better after I wine a little.

Fast Food Facts


Every month, approximately nine out of 10 American children visit a McDonald's restaurant.

In 1970, Americans spent about $6 billion on fast food. In 2006, the spending rose to nearly $142 billion.

During the early 1900s, the hamburger was thought to be polluted, unsafe to eat, and food for the poor. Street carts, not restaurants,
typically served them.

Proportionally, hash browns have more fat and calories than a cheeseburger or Big Mac.

Today, Coca-Cola and PepsiCo products are sold in every country in the world, except North Korea.

In 2005, Advertisting Age cited Ronald McDonald as the number two top-10 advertising icon of the twentieth century. The Marlboro Man was number one.

The first located printed reference to hamburgers appeared in the Los Angeles Times in 1894.

There are more than 300,000 fast food restaurants in the U.S. alone.

The popularization of the automobile resulted in “flashier” fast food restaurant architecture to catch the attention of drivers.

A&W Root Beer is named after Roy Allen and Frank Wright, the founders of the company. A&W was one of the first fast food franchises.

Television greatly expanded the ability of advertisers to reach children and try to develop brand loyalty early in life. Today the

average American child sees more than 10,000 food advertisements each year on television.

Advertising Age selected the McDonald’s slogan “You Deserve a Break Today” as the best advertising campaign of the twentieth century.

Other notable slogans were Burger King’s “Burger King, Home of the Whopper” and Wendy’s “Where’s the Beef?”

In 1949, Richard and Maurice McDonald opened the first McDonald's restaurant in San Bernardino, California: the McDonald Brothers Burger Bar Drive-In.

McDonald's is Brazil’s largest employer.

When McDonald's opened an outlet in Kuwait shortly after the end of the Gulf War, the line of cars waiting to eat there was seven miles long.

In 1949, Forrest Raffel and his younger brother Leroy created a restaurant that sold roast beef sandwiches. They spelled out the initials “Raffel Brothers (RB) to create the name “Arby’s.”

The popularization of the drive-thru led car manufacturers in the 1990s to install cup holders in the dashboards. As fast food drinks became larger, so did the cup holders.

Coca-Cola originally included coca derivatives such as cocaine in their sodas, which at the time was not illegal. It was originally served as a “brain tonic and intellectual soda fountain beverage.”

Two fast food chains claim to have opened the first drive-ins: Pig Stand, which opened in 1921 in Texas, and A&W Root Beer, which launched in California in 1919.

White Castle, started by J. Walter Anderson and Edgar Waldo “Billy” Ingram, is considered to be the first fast food restaurant. Its

major product was a hamburger, which had been sold as sandwiches by street vendors since the 1890s.

Burger King’s Double Whopper with cheese contains 923 calories. A man would need to walk for about nine miles to burn it off.

The combination of french fries and hamburgers is a continuation of the “meat and potatoes” mentality that has been the core of American food since the eighteenth century.

French fries are the single most popular fast food in America. In 1970, french fries surpassed regular potato sales in the United

States. In 2004, Americans ate 7.5 billion pounds of frozen french fries.

In-N-Out Burger is one of the few fast food restaurants that actually slice each potato by hand shortly before it is placed in the deep fryer.

Hamburgers are not served in India out of respect for Hindu religious beliefs, and beer is served at McDonald's in Germany.

The invention of the meat grinder in the mid nineteenth century gave rise to the hamburger. Currently, between 40,000 and 50,000

meatpackers, many of whom pack meat for fast food chains, are injured every year, making meatpacking one of the most dangerous jobs in the United States.

Among the first fast food mascots was Big Boy, a plump boy with red-and-white checkered overalls with the words “Big Boy” spread across

his chest. The first McDonald’s mascot was “Speedee,” a little chef with a hamburger hat. McDonald's later settled on the iconic Ronald McDonald—and today 96% of American children recognize him.

McDonald's is the largest purchaser of beef, pork, and potatoes and the second largest purchaser of chicken in the world. Its annual orders for french fries constitute 7.5% of America’s entire potato crop.

By the end of the twentieth century, one out of eight American workers had at some time been employed by McDonald's and 96% of

Americans had visited McDonald's at least once. It was also serving an estimated 22 million Americans every day and even more abroad.e

A McDonald’s’ corn muffin has more calories than a glazed donut. A small packet of Wendy’s honey mustard dressing has 280 calories.

In 1965, a college student named Fred De Luca and family friend Dr. Peter Buck started Subway in Bridgeport, Connecticut. The first

restaurant was called Pete’s Super Submarines. Subway currently is located in 87 countries.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Homerizm, Part 1



When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle - they're on TV!

Bingo! I love that game, but I can't remember what to say when you win.

Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life's problems.

What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

Lisa, vampires are make believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

Save me, Jeebus!

Facts are meaningless - you could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!

I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!

Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food.

I don't hate your mother, I just won't be sad when she dies.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain - remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually!

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You/re making a scene'.

I'm a 'Spalding Gray' in a 'Rick Dees' world.

Donuts...is there anything they can't do?

Trying is the first step toward failure.

Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything!

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

No Respect, Part 4


With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

I was such an ugly kid… when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.

I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.

I have three kids, one of each.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Earth Facts


A few facts about the planet we live on.







Earth's Circumference at the Equator: 24,901.55 miles (40,075.16 km)

Earth's Diameter at the Equator: 7,926.28 miles (12,756.1 km)

Average Distance from the Earth to the Sun: 93,020,000 miles (149,669,180 km)

Average Distance from the Earth to the Moon: 238,857 miles (384,403.1 km)

Highest Elevation on Earth - Mt. Everest, Asia: 29,035 feet (8850 m)

Tallest Mountain on Earth from Base to Peak - Mauna Kea, Hawaii: 33,480 feet (rising to 13,796 feet above sea level) (10204 m; 4205 m)

Lowest Elevation on Land - Dead Sea: 1369 feet below sea level (417.27 m)

Deepest Point in the Ocean - Challenger Deep, Mariana Trench, Western Pacific Ocean: 35,840 feet (10924 m)

Highest Temperature Recorded: 135.8°F - Al Aziziyah, Libya, September 13, 1922 (57.7°C)

Lowest Temperature Recorded: -128.5°F - Vostok, Antarctica, July 21, 1983 (-89.2°C)

Water vs. Land: 70.8% Water, 29.2% Land

Age of the Earth: 4.6 billion years

Atmosphere Content: 77% nitrogen, 21% oxygen, and traces of argon, carbon dioxide and water

Rotation on Axis: 23 hours and 56 minutes and 04.09053 seconds. But, it takes an additional four minutes for the earth to revolve to the same position as the day before relative to the sun (i.e. 24 hours).

Revolution around Sun: 365.2425 days

Chemical Composition of the Earth: 34.6% Iron, 29.5% Oxygen, 15.2% Silicon, 12.7% Magnesium, 2.4% Nickel, 1.9% Sulfur, and 0.05% Titanium

Chuck it, Part 4


Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an Indian.

Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle – you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about

Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit.

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two".

Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever!

Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.

These are the odds, Part 3


The odds are 1 out of 4 (23%) that you saw an X-rated film last year. - Fast Company, 11/08

The odds are 1 out of 7 (14%) that you have replaced your land-line phone with your cell phone. - The Week Magazine, 12/26/08

The odds are 1 out of 14 (7.2%) that a car accident in the United States is a result of a distraction caused by a cell phone. - San Diego Union, 9/27/08

The odds are 1 out of 30 (3.3%) that a human death in 2007 was a direct result of alcohol. - Medical News Today, 9/1/08

The odds are 1 out of 9 (11.7%) that a human death in 2007 in Alaska was a direct result of alcohol. - Medical News Today, 9/1/08

The odds are 1 out of 10,000 (.01%) that you're over 100 years old. - New England Centenarian Study, 8/29/08

The odds are 1 out of 2 (58%) that you have had to borrow money from a friend or relative in the past year to meet expenses. - Time Magazine, 7/28/08

The odds are 1 out of 27,000 (.0037%) that you will die on the job this year. - Forbes.com, 8/30/08

The odds are 1 out of 1,500 (.067%) that you will die on the job this year if you're an aircraft pilot or flight engineer. - Forbes.com, 8/30/08

The odds are 1 out of 900 (.112%) that you will die on the job this year if you're a commercial fisherman. - Forbes.com, 8/30/08

The odds are 1 out of 5,552 (.02%) that you will die in a plane crash. - The Week Magazine, 8/8/08

The odds are 1 out of 4 (22%) that you, as an American adult, are very worried about being able to pay your rent or mortgage (in July 2008)- Time Magazine, 7/28/08

The odds are 1 out of 3 (38%) that if you have a baby in America this year, it will be out--of-wedlock. - The Week Magazine, 6/27/08

The odds are 1 out of 4 (26%) that you have genital herpes (if you're an adult that lives in New York City). - Yahoo! News, 6/10/08

The odds are 3 out of 4 (75%) that you strongly crave unusual foods, if you are a pregnant.

The odds are 1 out of 100 (0.7%) that you are drunk right now. - San Diego Union, 4/29/08

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Webster Says, part 2

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Aibohphobia: Fear of palindromes.

Aquadextrous: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Aromatic: An automatic crossbow.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Barbecue: A line of people waiting for a haircut.

Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Bouyant: A male insect.

Boycott: Somewhere to keep male babies.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Bungee Jumping: Suicide, with strings attached.

Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.

Carpetuation: The act of (when vacuuming) running over a piece of string at least a dozen times, bending over, picking it up, examining it and then dropping it again to let the vacuum have another chance.
Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period
.
Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Chickens: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Claustrophobia: The fear of Santa Claus.

Cobra: A brasseire for conjoined twins.

Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Craughed: To laugh and cry simultaneously.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Diplomacy: The art of letting someone else have your way.

Divorce: The future tense of the word "marriage"

Bumper Stickers, Part 1



If at first you don't succeed, why bother? Your honor student will take care of it.

Sure, I believe in God. Now where are the miracles?

WWGD: What would Groucho Do?

I'm the product of a secret government project.

My daughter fights for your honor student's freedom!

I have an IQ in the top 2%. Who cares about the other 95%?

I can't get enough minimalism.

Sanity is back-ordered. Sarcasm is in unlimited supply.

I'm not bossy, I just know what you should be doing.

Egrets? I've had a few.

I'm so far behind, I thought I was first.

I am the English Teacher about whom your mother warned you.

Five days a week, my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

My idea of a team effort is a lot of people doing whatever I say.

As a matter of fact, I DID sleep in these clothes.

That's irrelevant, and irrelevant never forgets.

Learn Spanish! Jesus is coming.

Without sports, this bumper sticker would be about my honor student.

I'm 33 1/3 RPM in an iPod world.

Apathy: I could take it or leave it.

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

There's no right way to eat a Rhesus.

I don't know why I'm even out of bed.

Stupidity: too steep a price for marrying your sibling.

My child serves honor rolls at Baker College.

If life gives you peanuts, make peanut butter.

Inside every large program is a small program trying to get out.

Beer is now cheaper than gas. Drink, don't drive!

If I'm talking, everyone should be taking notes.

You are 98% chimp.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Translation please.


Having problems understanding your spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, or that person you just met. Here's the scoop on what their really saying.






Women’s English

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I’m upset you moron!
10.You’re very attentive today = Is sex all you think about?

Men’s English

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Lets have sex now
6. I am bored = I’d like to have sex with you.
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you.
10.Those shoes don’t go with that = I’m gay

True Facts, Part 2


The average American will eat about 11.9 pounds of cereal per year.

Over 1,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows.

The State of Florida is bigger than England.

Ants stretch when they wake up in the morning.

It's against the law to have a pet dog in Iceland.

Thomas Edison, light bulb inventor, was afraid of the dark.

During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food. That's the weight of about 6 elephants.

Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food.

Dolphins sleep with one eye open.

The world's oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old.

In space, astronauts cannot cry, because there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow.

About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30.

More people use blue toothbrushes than red ones.

A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe.

In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons.

Slugs have 4 noses.

Recycling one glass jar saves enough energy to watch TV for 3 hours.

Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet.

Owls are the only birds who can see the color blue.

The average American drinks about 600 sodas a year.

It's against the law to slam your car door in Switzerland.

There wasn't a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses.

Honeybees have hair on their eyes.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Lesson of the Day


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

These are the odds, Part 2



The odds are 1 out of 3,333,333 (.00003%) that you will be killed in a mass murder this year. - The Week Magazine, 4/24/09

The odds are 1 out of 4 (23%) that you have borrowed money from family or friends this year. - Time Magazine, 4/27/09

The odds are 1 out of 9 (11%) that you live with your parents or in-laws if you're between age 35 aned 44. - The Week Magazine, 5/29/09

The odds are 1 out of 167 (.6%) that you have blood type AB-. - Wired Magazine, 6/09

The odds are 1 out of 3 (30%) that you have failed to pay a bill on time this year. - Time Magazine, 4/27/09

The odds are 1 out of 12 (8%) that you (if you're over age 12) have used an illegal drug within the past month. - Parade Magazine, 5/24/09

The odds are 1 out of 5 (20%) that you have not filled a presciption this year because of the cost. - Time Magazine, 4/27/09

The odds are 1 out of 200,000 (.0005%) that you will die in an accident due to "drowsy driving". - The Week Magazine, 4/17/09

The odds are 2 out of 3 (67%) that you're currently overweight. - Time Magazine, 12/1/08

The odds are 1 out of 3500 (.029%) that you will be injured this year by your pet. - The Week Magazine, 4/10/09

The odds are 1 out of 4 (27%) that your blood pressure is too high. - Time Magazine, 12/1/08

The odds are 24 out of 25 (96%) that you can't remember the last time you had a salad. - Time Magazine, 12/1/08

The odds are 1 out of 520 (.192%) that you subscribe to an adult-content website if you live in Montana. - Discover Magazine, 5/09

The odds are 1 out of 182 (.547%) that you subscribe to an adult-content website if you live in Utah. - Discover Magazine, 5/09

The odds are 6 out of 10 (59%) that you want to throw every person in Congress out and start all over. - The Week Magazine, 12/26/08

The odds are 9 out of 10 (90%) that you somehow cheat if you're a student in high school. - The Week Magazine, 10/24/08

The odds are 1 out of 3 (36%) that you have a criminal record, if you have graduated from the Atlanta Police Academy. - The Week Magazine, 10/24/08

No Respect, Part 3



Rodney Dangerfield,


My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."

I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

…went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Chuck it, Part 3


Facts about Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

Chuck Norris doesn't shave, he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bed frames, and sidewalks.

Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Saints fined $30,000 for hits.

This may be more of a whine than a rant but....

I understand that football is a contact sport. That's one of the things I like about it. What the Saints did was not just make contact, but did it outside the rules of the NFL. BTW, fines against the Vikings $0.00.

So I'm still not fully over the loss....Read on.

New Orleans defensive end Bobby McCray has been fined $20,000 for two hits on Vikings quarterback Brett Favre on Sunday in the Saints' victory in the NFC title game, according to Jason La Canfora of NFL.com. The NFL has confirmed the fines to McCray.

McCray was fined both for a first-quarter hit on Favre that was delivered after the quarterback had handed off to Percy Harvin and for the third quarter low hit on which Favre threw an interception and also injured his left ankle.

No penalty was called on that play but Mike Pereira, the NFL's vice president of officiating, said that referee Pete Morelli's crew should have thrown a flag. McCray did receive a 15-yard penalty for unnecessary roughness after his first hit.

Update: The Saints had at least two other fines in the game. Defensive end Anthony Hargrove was fined $5,000 for unnecessary roughness in the third quarter when he lifted Favre off the ground and drove him to the turf as he threw an incomplete pass to Chester Taylor. Hargrove was called for a 15-yard roughing the passer penalty.

New Orleans' Jonathan Casillas was fined $5,000 for unnecessary roughness for striking punt returner Darius Reynaud late as he downed the football in the second quarter. Casillas was called for a 15-yard penalty on the play.

Story by the Star and Tribune newspaper.

Which came first..


Which came first the chicken or the egg?

A few friends were arguing about this statement and I had to jump in and put my 2 cents in, or off them both.

The phrase ” Which came first the chicken or the egg?” is not a puzzle to be solved, or some sort of temporal paradox that scientist are attempting to grapple with. It’s meant to describe an unsolvable situation. Like “Catch 22”, that sort of thing.

If it were a puzzle, it would be very easy to solve. If the phrase is as stated, “Which came first the chicken or the egg?”, then the solution is the egg. There were dinosaurs laying eggs long before chickens ever evolved.

If the phrase is really a shorter version of “Which came first the chicken or the chicken egg?” Then it’s just as easy to solve. A type of egg is referred to by what laid it, not what’s in it. If a chicken laid an egg with a disfigured chicken in it, it’s still a chicken egg. If a chicken laid an egg with a turtle in it, it would still be a chicken egg.

At some point in history, a bird that was not quite a chicken, laid an egg with a mutated offspring inside. That offspring is what we consider today to be a chicken. The egg would have been referred to by what laid it. But, a chicken hatched out of it. So the chicken came first.