No Respect, Part 5

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps… from moving cars.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn't met me yet.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!