Webster Says, Part 4

Namesis: A person who shares your name but is much richer and more famous than you.

Onosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Out of Bounds: An exhausted kangaroo.

Parachute: A double barreled shotgun.

Pedestrian: A motorist with two or more children of driving age.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perfect Pitch: What it is when you throw a banjo in a dumpster and it didn't hit the sides.

Petranoid: Someone who is both petrified and paranoid. Usually a mother.

Phonecrastinate: To put off answering the phone until caller ID identifies the caller.

Porcupine: A craving for bacon.

Raisin: Grape with a sunburn.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

Stalemate: An old spouse.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swipeout: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Syndrome: Committing wrongdoing in the Vatican.

Syntax: Money in the collection plate.

Tax: A fine for doing right.

Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.

Vocabularian: A person who makes up new words.

Will: A dead giveaway.

Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.