Don't, Just Don't

* Don't eat rocks.
* Don't take naps in the road.
* Don't stoke fires with your fingers.
* Don't throw a brick straight up.
* Don't breathe car exhaust.
* If you ever meet the President, don't offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket.
* For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.
* Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
* Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.
* The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.
* If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don't do it with your head.
* Don't flip off the Mafia.
* If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.
* Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.
* Light birthday cake candles from back to front.
* Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should put things into them.
* Don't stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.
* The warning "Don't try this at home" really means "Don't try this at all."
* Don't bathe in a tub full of snow.
* Don't iron clothes while wearing them.
* Don't eat hot coals.
* Don't escape in to jail.
* Don't wash floors with cough syrup.
* Don't kick porcupines with bare feet.
* Don't sled down hills with interstates at the bottom.
* Sell at most one of your kidneys.
* Don't lie down in a cattle pen.
* Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.
* Don't test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.
* Don't snap towels at passing cops.
* Don't throw an angry cat straight up.
* Don't lick dry ice.
* Don't pour salt in your eyes.
* Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.
* Don't microwave yourself.
* Don't chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.
* Don't swallow toothpaste.
* Don't chew Tylenol.
* Don't bathe in gasoline.
* Don't sneak up to a stallion and whack it on the rump.
* Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.
* Don't lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish.
* Don't go swimming in a well.
* Rake leaves, not people.
* Don't kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots.
* Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don't jump out of a window -- use the stairs.
* When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.
* Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether.
* Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.
* Use a pot holder when removing items from the oven.
* If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
* Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
* When using a weed whacker, don't hold the end with the wire.
* When using a blow gun --draw your breath before placing your lips around the barrel.
* No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
*Don't use a medal object to remove stuck toast from a toaster.