Chuck it, Part 4

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an Indian.

Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle – you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about

Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit.

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two".

Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever!

Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.

These are the odds, Part 3

The odds are 1 out of 4 (23%) that you saw an X-rated film last year. - Fast Company, 11/08

The odds are 1 out of 7 (14%) that you have replaced your land-line phone with your cell phone. - The Week Magazine, 12/26/08

The odds are 1 out of 14 (7.2%) that a car accident in the United States is a result of a distraction caused by a cell phone. - San Diego Union, 9/27/08

The odds are 1 out of 30 (3.3%) that a human death in 2007 was a direct result of alcohol. - Medical News Today, 9/1/08

The odds are 1 out of 9 (11.7%) that a human death in 2007 in Alaska was a direct result of alcohol. - Medical News Today, 9/1/08

The odds are 1 out of 10,000 (.01%) that you're over 100 years old. - New England Centenarian Study, 8/29/08

The odds are 1 out of 2 (58%) that you have had to borrow money from a friend or relative in the past year to meet expenses. - Time Magazine, 7/28/08

The odds are 1 out of 27,000 (.0037%) that you will die on the job this year. - Forbes.com, 8/30/08

The odds are 1 out of 1,500 (.067%) that you will die on the job this year if you're an aircraft pilot or flight engineer. - Forbes.com, 8/30/08

The odds are 1 out of 900 (.112%) that you will die on the job this year if you're a commercial fisherman. - Forbes.com, 8/30/08

The odds are 1 out of 5,552 (.02%) that you will die in a plane crash. - The Week Magazine, 8/8/08

The odds are 1 out of 4 (22%) that you, as an American adult, are very worried about being able to pay your rent or mortgage (in July 2008)- Time Magazine, 7/28/08

The odds are 1 out of 3 (38%) that if you have a baby in America this year, it will be out--of-wedlock. - The Week Magazine, 6/27/08

The odds are 1 out of 4 (26%) that you have genital herpes (if you're an adult that lives in New York City). - Yahoo! News, 6/10/08

The odds are 3 out of 4 (75%) that you strongly crave unusual foods, if you are a pregnant.

The odds are 1 out of 100 (0.7%) that you are drunk right now. - San Diego Union, 4/29/08

Webster Says, part 2

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Aibohphobia: Fear of palindromes.

Aquadextrous: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Aromatic: An automatic crossbow.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Barbecue: A line of people waiting for a haircut.

Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Bouyant: A male insect.

Boycott: Somewhere to keep male babies.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Bungee Jumping: Suicide, with strings attached.

Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.

Carpetuation: The act of (when vacuuming) running over a piece of string at least a dozen times, bending over, picking it up, examining it and then dropping it again to let the vacuum have another chance.
Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period
.
Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Chickens: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Claustrophobia: The fear of Santa Claus.

Cobra: A brasseire for conjoined twins.

Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Craughed: To laugh and cry simultaneously.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Diplomacy: The art of letting someone else have your way.

Divorce: The future tense of the word "marriage"

Bumper Stickers, Part 1

If at first you don't succeed, why bother? Your honor student will take care of it.

Sure, I believe in God. Now where are the miracles?

WWGD: What would Groucho Do?

I'm the product of a secret government project.

My daughter fights for your honor student's freedom!

I have an IQ in the top 2%. Who cares about the other 95%?

I can't get enough minimalism.

Sanity is back-ordered. Sarcasm is in unlimited supply.

I'm not bossy, I just know what you should be doing.

Egrets? I've had a few.

I'm so far behind, I thought I was first.

I am the English Teacher about whom your mother warned you.

Five days a week, my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

My idea of a team effort is a lot of people doing whatever I say.

As a matter of fact, I DID sleep in these clothes.

That's irrelevant, and irrelevant never forgets.

Learn Spanish! Jesus is coming.

Without sports, this bumper sticker would be about my honor student.

I'm 33 1/3 RPM in an iPod world.

Apathy: I could take it or leave it.

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

There's no right way to eat a Rhesus.

I don't know why I'm even out of bed.

Stupidity: too steep a price for marrying your sibling.

My child serves honor rolls at Baker College.

If life gives you peanuts, make peanut butter.

Inside every large program is a small program trying to get out.

Beer is now cheaper than gas. Drink, don't drive!

If I'm talking, everyone should be taking notes.

You are 98% chimp.

Translation please.

Having problems understanding your spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, or that person you just met. Here's the scoop on what their really saying.






Women’s English

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I’m upset you moron!
10.You’re very attentive today = Is sex all you think about?

Men’s English

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Lets have sex now
6. I am bored = I’d like to have sex with you.
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you.
10.Those shoes don’t go with that = I’m gay