True Facts, Part 2

The average American will eat about 11.9 pounds of cereal per year.

Over 1,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows.

The State of Florida is bigger than England.

Ants stretch when they wake up in the morning.

It's against the law to have a pet dog in Iceland.

Thomas Edison, light bulb inventor, was afraid of the dark.

During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food. That's the weight of about 6 elephants.

Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food.

Dolphins sleep with one eye open.

The world's oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old.

In space, astronauts cannot cry, because there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow.

About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30.

More people use blue toothbrushes than red ones.

A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe.

In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons.

Slugs have 4 noses.

Recycling one glass jar saves enough energy to watch TV for 3 hours.

Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet.

Owls are the only birds who can see the color blue.

The average American drinks about 600 sodas a year.

It's against the law to slam your car door in Switzerland.

There wasn't a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses.

Honeybees have hair on their eyes.

Lesson of the Day

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

These are the odds, Part 2

The odds are 1 out of 3,333,333 (.00003%) that you will be killed in a mass murder this year. - The Week Magazine, 4/24/09

The odds are 1 out of 4 (23%) that you have borrowed money from family or friends this year. - Time Magazine, 4/27/09

The odds are 1 out of 9 (11%) that you live with your parents or in-laws if you're between age 35 aned 44. - The Week Magazine, 5/29/09

The odds are 1 out of 167 (.6%) that you have blood type AB-. - Wired Magazine, 6/09

The odds are 1 out of 3 (30%) that you have failed to pay a bill on time this year. - Time Magazine, 4/27/09

The odds are 1 out of 12 (8%) that you (if you're over age 12) have used an illegal drug within the past month. - Parade Magazine, 5/24/09

The odds are 1 out of 5 (20%) that you have not filled a presciption this year because of the cost. - Time Magazine, 4/27/09

The odds are 1 out of 200,000 (.0005%) that you will die in an accident due to "drowsy driving". - The Week Magazine, 4/17/09

The odds are 2 out of 3 (67%) that you're currently overweight. - Time Magazine, 12/1/08

The odds are 1 out of 3500 (.029%) that you will be injured this year by your pet. - The Week Magazine, 4/10/09

The odds are 1 out of 4 (27%) that your blood pressure is too high. - Time Magazine, 12/1/08

The odds are 24 out of 25 (96%) that you can't remember the last time you had a salad. - Time Magazine, 12/1/08

The odds are 1 out of 520 (.192%) that you subscribe to an adult-content website if you live in Montana. - Discover Magazine, 5/09

The odds are 1 out of 182 (.547%) that you subscribe to an adult-content website if you live in Utah. - Discover Magazine, 5/09

The odds are 6 out of 10 (59%) that you want to throw every person in Congress out and start all over. - The Week Magazine, 12/26/08

The odds are 9 out of 10 (90%) that you somehow cheat if you're a student in high school. - The Week Magazine, 10/24/08

The odds are 1 out of 3 (36%) that you have a criminal record, if you have graduated from the Atlanta Police Academy. - The Week Magazine, 10/24/08

No Respect, Part 3

Rodney Dangerfield,


My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."

I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

…went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

Chuck it, Part 3

Facts about Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

Chuck Norris doesn't shave, he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bed frames, and sidewalks.

Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.