These are the odds, Part 1

The odds are 1 in 582 (.0017%) that you will be injured in a traffic accident due to "driver distraction". - The Week Magazine, 10/16/09

If you're an American, the odds are 1 in 40 (2.46%) that you're currently in the U.S. criminal justice system (incarcerated, on parole, or on probation). - The Week Magazine, 9/25/09

The odds are 1 out of 39 (2.56%) that you will hit a deer with your car this year, if you drive in West Virginia. - The Week Magazine, 10/9/09

The odds are 1 out of 33 (3%) that you have been a target of sexual advances by a priest, minister, rabbi or other religious leader (if you're a woman). - The Week Magazine, 9/25/09

The odds are 1 out of 71 (1.4%) that your bag arrived at your destination at a different time than you did when flying commercial airlines. - The Week Magazine, 8/28/09

The odds are 1 out of 10 (10%) that you are allergic to dust mites. There can be 19,000 dust mites in one gram of household dust. - Discover Magazine, 7/09

The odds are 1 out of 6 (16%) that you suffer from an allergy-related ailment. - Discover Magazine, 7/09

The odds are 1 out of 25 (4%) that you have symptoms that warrant an ADHD diagnosis if you're between ages 18 and 44. - Time Magazine, 6/22/09

The odds are 1 out of 2 (44%) that a Mississippi child is overweight or obese. - Time Magazine, 7/13/09

The odds are 1 out of 230,000,000 (.000000435%) that you're allergic to water. - The Week Magazine, 5/1/09

The odds are 1 out of 7 (15%) that a U.S. teenager expects to die young. - Time Magazine, 7/13/09

The odds are 54 out of 100 (54%) that you will look for a new job after this recession ends. - Newsweek Magazine, 7/13/09

The odds are less than 1 out of 5 (20%) that you're obese if you live in Colorado. This is the only state with less than 20% obesity rate. - The Week Magazine, 7/24/09

No Respect, Part 2

Rodney Dangerfield,

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

True Facts, Part 1

Antarctica is the only continent without reptiles or snakes.

An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.

In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.

Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.

Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.

They have square watermelons in Japan - they stack better.

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.

Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

Armadillos can be housebroken.

The first Fords had engines made by Dodge.

A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in just one night.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.

Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone.

A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside.

A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove.

A hummingbird weighs less than a penny.

Until 1796, there was a state in the United States called Franklin. Today it is known as Tennessee.

The flashing warning light on the cylindrical Capitol Records tower spells out HOLLYWOOD in Morse code.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year.

One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

Quantas gripe sheet

These have been floating around the internet for years (decades), but still just as funny.

Here are some logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Chuck it, Part 2

Facts about Chuck Norris


Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.