TSA Bumber Stickers

Can't see London.
Can't see France.
Unless we see your underpants.

Grope discount available

Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady

Don't worry, my hands are still warm from the other guy.

Wanna fly? Drop your fly.

We've handled more balls than Barney Frank.

We are now free to move about your pants.

We rub you the wrong way, so you can be on your way.

It's not a grope, it's a freedom pat.

When in doubt, we make you whip it out.

TSA: Touching, Squeezin, Arrestin.

YOU were a virgin.

We handle more packages than UPS.

Things you learn from children.

A can of soda will make a great geyser when hit with a hammer. A 12 pack makes a BIG puddle.

You should not stand too close to a fire alarm in a large grocery store if your child is in the basket.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3 year old child's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan and tie it to a paint can, it does spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (including double pane windows) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush along with the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

Certain Lego blocks will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old.

Play-Doh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

DVD players do not eject sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably don't want to know what that smell is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in my town has a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does make cats dizzy, however.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Your mouth...

People whose mouth has a narrow roof are more likely to snore.

85% of the population can curl their tongue into a tube.

When kissing someone, you gain around 256 colonies of bacteria from that person.

Close to 50% of the bacteria in your mouth lives on your tongue.

If your mouth was completely dry you would not be able to taste anything.

Taste is the weakest of the five senses.

If you're right handed, you tend to chew your food on the right side.

Same for lefties, they tend to chew on the left.

Humans have a unique tongue print, just like fingerprints.

There are about 9,000 taste buds on the surface of your tongue, in your throat, and on the roof of your mouth.

Taste buds contain chemoreceptors that respond to chemicals from food and other substances that are dissolved by saliva.

A person on average produces 10,000 gallons of saliva in their life time.

That works out to just under a half a gallon a day!

In general, girls have more taste buds than boys.

Average life of a taste bud is up to ten days.

Stuff people say, Part 1

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.
Josh Billings

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
H. L. Mencken

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
Mark Twain

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.
Satchel Paige

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Groucho Marx

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Charles M. Schulz

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
Tracey Ullman

Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.
Marilyn vos Savant

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
Bette Davis

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Mark Twain

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
George Burns

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
Josh Billings

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz

For your information, I would like to ask a question.
Samuel Goldwyn

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

conspiracy or coincidence

Abraham Lincoln vs John F. Kennedy


Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost a son while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot behind the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are made of fifteen letters.

Mr. Booth shot Lincoln in a Theatre called "Ford".
Lee Harvey Oswald, shot Kennedy in a car called "Ford" Lincoln.

Booth ran from a theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And last but not least,
A month before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A month before Kennedy was shot he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Foot note.
I'm not sure if all the years are correct, but the rest holds true.
Kind of cool if you ask me.

Insults, Part 2

He's all foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.


She's as smart as bait.

He doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

He forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.

I would not allow this employee to breed.

This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

She's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

She got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

I love you more today than tomorrow.

You were so ugly when you were born, the doctor put tinted windows on the incubator.

He's got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

He's a gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

She's got a photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

She's a prime candidate for natural deselection.

He's as bright as Alaska in December.

One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

Going to the dogs, Part 2

The first dog chapel was established in 2001. It was built in St. Johnsbury, Vermont, by Stephan Huneck, a children’s book author whose five dogs helped him recuperate from a serious illness.

Those born under the sign of the dog in Chinese astrology are considered to be loyal and discreet, though slightly temperamental.

In Iran, it is against the law to own a dog as a pet. However, if an owner can prove the dog is a guard or hunting dog, this restriction doesn’t apply.

The Mayans and Aztecs symbolized every tenth day with the dog, and those born under this sign were believed to have outstanding leadership skills.

The ancient Mbaya Indians of the Gran Chaco in South America believed that humans originally lived underground until dogs dug them up.

Plato once said that “a dog has the soul of a philosopher.”

French poodles did not originate in France but in Germany (“poodle” comes from the German pudel or pudelhund, meaning “splashing dog”).

The name of the dog on the Cracker Jacks box is Bingo. The Taco Bell Chihuahua is a rescued dog named Gidget.

The first dogs were self-domesticated wolves which, at least 12,000 years ago, became attracted to the first sites of permanent human habitation.

Dachshunds were bred to fight badgers in their dens.

Laiki, a Russian stray, was the first living mammal to orbit the Earth, in the Soviet Sputnik spacecraft in 1957. Though she died in space, her daughter Pushnika had four puppies with President John F. Kennedy’s terrier, Charlie.

Dalmatians are completely white at birth.

The term “dog days of summer” was coined by the ancient Greeks and Romans to describe the hottest days of summer that coincided with the rising of the Dog Star, Sirius.

Alexander the Great is said to have founded and named a city Peritas, in memory of his dog.

Dog trainers in ancient China were held in high esteem. A great deal of dog domestication also took place in China, especially dwarfing and miniaturization.

The earliest European images of dogs are found in cave paintings dating back 12,000 years ago in Spain.

The dog was frequently depicted in Greek art, including Cerberus, the three-headed hound guarding the entrance to the underworld, and the hunting dogs which accompanied the virgin goddess of the chase, Diana.

A puppy is born blind, deaf, and toothless.

The Basenji is the world’s only barkless dog.

A dog most likely interprets a smiling person as baring their teeth, which is an act of aggression.

The origin of amputating a dog’s tail may go back to the Roman writer Lucius Columella’s (A.D. 4-70) assertion that tail docking prevented rabies.

One of Shakespeare’s most mischievous characters is Crab, the dog belonging to Launce in the Two Gentlemen of Verona. The word “watchdog” is first found in The Tempest.

President Franklin Roosevelt created a minor international incident when he claimed he sent a destroyer to the Aleutian Islands just to pick up his Scottish Terrier, Fala, who had been left behind.

Within hours of the September 11, 2001, attack the World Trade Center, specially trained dogs were on the scene, including German Shepherds, Labs, and even a few little Dachshunds.

It costs approximately $10,000 to train a federally certified search and rescue dog.

The smallest dog on record was a matchbox-size Yorkshire Terrier. It was 2.5" tall at the shoulder, 3.5" from nose tip to tail, and weighed only 4 ounces.

Hollywood’s first and arguably best canine superstar was Rin Tin Tin, a five-day-old German Shepherd found wounded in battle in WWI France and adopted by an American soldier, Lee Duncan. He would sign his own contracts with his paw print.

At the end of WWI, the German government trained the first guide dogs for war-blinded soldiers.

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 1/600 of a second and can hear sounds four times farther away than a human can.

Touch is the first sense the dog develops. The entire body, including the paws, is covered with touch-sensitive nerve endings.

Eighteen muscles or more can move a dog’s ear.

The names of 77 ancient Egyptian dogs have been recorded. The names refer to color and character, such as Blackie, Ebony, Good Herdsman, Reliable, and Brave One.

Human factor, Part 1

In the average adult, the skin covers 12-20 square feet and accounts for 12% of body weight.

There are more than 600 individual skeletal muscles in the human body.

An adult skeleton has 213 bones.

Cartilage is one of the few tissues that grows throughout life. Between ages 30 and 70, a nose might grow half an inch, and the ears grow about a quarter of an inch.

The average human head has about 100,000 hairs.

As a person ages, the diameter of each hair on the head shrinks. Hair is thickest in the early 20s, but by age 70, it can be as fine as a baby's.

Hundreds of billions of neurons carry electrical signals that control the body from the brain and the spinal cord.

After sustaining trauma to the brain—such as an injury, stroke, or infection—some people develop “alien hand syndrome,” a condition where the victim can feel sensation in the hand, but has no control over movement and does not sense the hand as a part of the body, as if it belonged to an alien being.

The Greek philosopher Aristotle believed that the brain exists mainly to help cool the spirit. It is now known that the brain controls nearly every function of the body and mind.

When the pituitary gland malfunctions, it can boost or reduce the amount of growth hormone in a growing child's body, resulting in gigantism or dwarfism.

The senses are highly attuned to our world, but they have limits. For example, humans cannot see in the ultraviolet spectrum as bees do, nor can they differentiate between the hundreds of millions of odors that a bloodhound can.

The appendix has no function in modern humans. It is believed to have been part of the digestive system in our primitive ancestors.

Humans smell “in stereo.” Scent signals from each nostril travel to different regions in the brain. This may help a person determine the direction the odor is coming from.

The skin contains approximately 640,000 sense receptors, scattered unevenly over the body's surface. These receptors are most abundant in the ridges of the fingertips, in the lips, at the tip of the tongue, in the palms, on the soles of the feet, and in the genitals.

An estimated five million olfactory receptors are clustered in the membrane at the upper part of our nasal passages. These receptors help us distinguish among thousands of different odors.

There are about 9,000 taste buds on the surface of the tongue, in the throat, and on the roof of the mouth. Taste buds contain chemoreceptors that respond to chemicals from food and other substances that are dissolved by the saliva in the mouth.

Humans produce about 10,000 gallons of saliva in a lifetime. Saliva is required for taste—until food is dissolved by saliva, we cannot taste it.

Hearing is one of the less acute senses in humans, compared to the many other animals which can detect sound at much higher and lower frequency than humans can.

Blonde Humor

Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin

Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The Blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.

Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Back to the Future, 1975

That was the year when...

• USA finally withdrew from the Vietnam war
• The movie Jaws became the biggest box office hit of all time
• The Suez Canal was reopened after 8 years of the Arab-Israeli war
• Bruce Springstein released the Anthemic 'Born to Run'
• Prince Juan Carlos crowned King of Spain after the death of General Franco

About 1975
1975 brought with it a number of classic comedies to British TV audiences. Queen topped the charts for nine weeks with 'Bohemian Rapsody' while in America Union leader Jimmy Hoffa disappeared.

You Have been Watching...
• Fawlty Towers
• Carry On Laughing
• The Good Life
• Doctor On The Go
• The Cuckoo Waltz

At the Cinema
• One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (Best Film Oscar)
• The Rocky Horror Picture Show
• Love & Death
• Tommy

Bumper Stickers, Part 5

Resistance is futile (if > 1 ohm).

My mother was a moonshiner, and I love her still.

MOP AND GLO - The floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.

I'm Canadian. It's like being American, but without the gun.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

The control key on the keyboard does not work.

The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

National Sarcasm Society. (Like we need your support)

Nuke the Whales! We'll hunt them at night.

Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk.

Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).

If there is no God, who always pops up that next Kleenex?

Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.

Ask me about my compost pile.

If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.

People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

I'm retired. Go around me.

Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.

The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.

I found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all the time.

So many cats, so few recipes.

Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.

Top 20 Dog names

Here are the top 20 Male and female names for mans best friend.







1. Max..........Bella
2. Buddy......Molly
3. Rocky.......Lucy
4. Bailey.......Maggie
5. Jake..........Daisy
6. Charlie......Sophie
7. Jack...........Sadie
8. Toby.........Chloe
9. Cody.........Bailey
10. Buster....Lola
11. Duke.......Zoe
12. Cooper...Abby
13. Riley.......Ginger
14. Harley....Roxy
15. Bear........Gracie
16. Tucker....Coco
17. Murphy..Sasha
18. Lucky.....Lily
19. Oliver.....Angel
20. Sam........Princess

Homerizm, Part 4

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.

When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power - like God must feel when he's holding a gun.

You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

I hope I didn't brain my damage!

Nuts and gum, together at last!

We'll die together, like a father and son should.

Let us celebrate this agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

We're gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays!

First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!

Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.

Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.

Now, Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They look as good as they taste. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain't ketchup!

I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun!

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!

Oh, they have Internet on computers now.

Marge I swear, I never thought that you would find out.

Books are useless: I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird" - and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin, but what good does THAT do me?

Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!

I am so smart, I am so smart, S M R T, I mean S M A R T.

Passing of a good friend

On Sept 18th our dog Max (short for Maximous) died. He went quickly and without any pain. It was unexpected and sudden. Max was a big part of our family, and was involved is nearly every facet of our lives. He loved grandkids, tug of war, going for walks, and being with his family. Our hearts and our home will never be the same without him. Max you will be missed..

Back to updates

The summer was short and very crazy at times. There was very little time to do the things I wanted to do vs the things I had to do. Now that Summer is gone and Fall is here, things should slow to a much more manageable pace. That being said, my blog should be updated a little more often for the foreseeable future.

Back to the Future, 1974

That was the year when...

• The Watergate scandal brings about Nixon resignation
• West Germany won the football World cup (in West Germany)
• Mikhail Baryshnikov became the latest Soviet Ballet dancer to defect to the west
• Haile Selassie Deposed as Ruler of Ethiopia after 58 years in power
• Famous Radio & TV comedian Jack Benny died, aged 80

About 1974
While Nixon was squirming and Evel Knievel was trying to leap the Grand Canyon Swedish pop sensations Abba were hitting the top of the charts with Waterloo.
You Have been Watching...
• Porridge
• Rising Damp
• It Ain't Half Hot Mum
• Man About The House

At the Cinema
• The Godfather partII (Best Film Oscar)
• Monty Python's The Holy Grail
• Emmanuelle
• Lenny

Chuck it, Part 9

Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.

Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.

Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opportunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

Presidents, Part 1

Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) is the only U.S. president who was also a licensed bartender. He was co-owner of Berry and Lincoln, a saloon in Springfield, Illinois.

The only president to be unanimously elected was George Washington (1732-1799). He also refused to accept his presidential salary, which was $25,000 a year.

Harry Truman joined the Ku Klux Klan in Missouri to win their support for the judge’s seat.

Grover Cleveland was the only president in history to hold the job of a hangman. He was once the sheriff of Erie County, New York, and twice had to spring the trap at a hanging.

The “S” in Harry S Truman doesn’t stand for anything; therefore, there is no period after his middle initial.

Lincoln Logs are named after Abraham Lincoln and the log cabin where he was born. John Lloyd Wright, son of famous architect Francis Lloyd Wright, invented them.

Thomas Jefferson and John Adams once traveled to Stratford-upon-Avon to visit Shakespeare’s birthplace. While there, they took a knife to one of Shakespeare’s chairs so they could take home some wood chips as souvenirs.

James Madison and Thomas Jefferson were once arrested together for taking a carriage ride in the countryside of Vermont on a Sunday, which violated the laws of that state.

Andrew Johnson is the only tailor ever to be president. As president, he would typically stop by a tailor shop to say hello. He would wear only the suits that he made himself.

“Teddy Bears” were so named when Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt (1858-1919) refused to shoot a small bear cub one day. The incident was reported in the news, which inspired a toy manufacture to come out with the cute stuffed animals.

George Washington never lived in the White House. The capital was actually located in Philadelphia and other cities when Washington was president. He is also the only president who didn’t represent a political party.

James Abram Garfield (1831-1881) is the first president to ever talk on the phone. When he spoke to Alexander Graham Bell, who was at the other end 13 miles away, he said: “Please speak a little more slowly.”

Back to the Future 1973

That was the year when...
• The United Kingdom joined the EEC
• The Watergate scandal took hold as Nixon denied all knowledge
• The twin towers of the World Trade Center were completed
• Baseball legend Willie Mays retired from the game
• Artist Pablo Picasso died at age 92

About 1973
1973 was the year that Bruce Lee died, having made arguably the best film of his career.
You Have been Watching...
• Michael Bentines Potty Time
• Last Of The Summer Wine
• Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em
• Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads

At the Cinema
• The Sting (Best Film Oscar)
• The Exorcist
• Enter The Dragon
• Serpico

Accident report

Accident insurance claim forms ask for a brief statement about how the accident happened. The combination of the finger pointing instinct and the small spaces provided on the forms can lead to some curiously phrased explanations.

“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”

“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”

“I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.”

“Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.”

“I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it.”

“No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.”

“The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.”

“I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.”

“I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.”

“I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash.”

“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before.”

“The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”

“The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.”

“I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”

“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision.”

“I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.”

“I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.”

“I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.”

“My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back.”

“I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.”

“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.”

“The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.”

“When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.”

“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.”

“In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”

“My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.”

“As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.”

“The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.”

“A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife’s face.”

“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.”

“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”

“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.”

True Facts

Soldiers from every country salute with their right hand.

The microwave oven was invented by mistake when an engineer testing a magnetron tube noticed that the radiation from it melted the chocolate bar he had in his pocket.

Moisture, not air, causes super glue to dry.

Only 14% of Americans say they've skinny dipped with the opposite sex.

"60 Minutes" on CBS is the only TV show to not have a theme song or music.

Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.

Most boat owners name their boats. The most popular boat name requested is Obsession.

100% of all lottery winners gain weight.

An average American will spend an average of 6 months during his lifetime waiting at red lights.

The Olympic flag's colors are always red, black, blue, green and yellow rings on a field of white. This is because at least one of those colors appears on the flag of every nation on the planet.

Cats can hear ultrasound.

In a recent survey, Americans revealed that banana was their favorite smell.

In all three Godfather films, when you see oranges, there is a death (or a very close call) coming up soon.

If you were to spell out numbers, you would you have to go until 1,000 until you would find the letter "A".

23% of employees say they have had sex in the office.

Bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers were all invented by women.

Married men change their underwear twice as often as single men.

There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.

The history of TP

A brief history of toilet paper.

What did people use before toilet paper?
Well, just use your imagination: grass, leaves, fur, mussell shells, corncobs. The ancient Greeks used stones and pieces of clay; ancient Romans used sponges on the ends of sticks, kept in jugs filled with salty water. Mideasterners commonly used the left hand, which is supposedly still considered unclean in the Arabian region.

"Official" toilet paper - that is, paper which was produced specifically for the purpose - dates back at least to the late 14th Century, when Chinese emperors ordered it in 2-foot x 3-foot sheets.

Corncobs and pages torn from newspapers and magazines were commonly used in the early American West. The Sears catalogue was well-known in this context, and even produced such humorous spinoffs as the "Rears and Sorebutt" catalogue. The Farmer's Almanac had a hole in it so it could be hung on a hook and the pages torn off easily.

Joseph C. Gayetty of New York started producing the first packaged toilet paper in the U.S. in 1857. It consisted of pre-moistened flat sheets medicated with aloe and was named "Gayetty’s Medicated Paper". Gayetty's name was printed on every sheet.

Rolled and perforated toilet paper as we're familiar with today was invented around 1880. Various sources attribute it to the Albany Perforated Wrapping (A.P.W.) Paper Company in 1877, and to the Scott Paper company in 1879 or 1890.

In 1935, Northern Tissue advertised "splinter-free" toilet paper. Yep, you read that right; early paper production techniques sometimes left splinters embedded in the paper. And you thought you had it tough!

In 1942, St. Andrew's Paper Mill in Great Britain introduced two-ply toilet paper.

America experienced its first toilet paper shortage in 1973.

And in case your wondering how to put your TP on a roller.
51% have it hanging over the top
24% have it hanging under
13% put it on which ever way is the fastest.
11% don't use TP hangers.
1% didn't care.

Thoughts to ponder

1. Half the people you know are below average.

2. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

3. 42.7% of statistics cited by people in arguments are made up on the spot.

4. A conscience is what feels bad when everything else feels so good.

5. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

6. The early bird may get the worm, but it’s the second mouse who gets the cheese.

7. What’s the speed of dark?

8. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

9. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

10. Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

11. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

12. My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

13. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

14. A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.

15. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

16. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

17. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have any film.

Back to the Future, 1972

That was the year when...
• FBI Boss for 48 years, J Edgar Hoover died, aged 77
• David Bowie unleashes the "Ziggy Stardust" Album on the world
• 'Bloody Sunday' in Northern Ireland when British troops killed 13 protesters
• Mark Spitz won 7 gold medals at the Munich Olympics
• Two Britons become the first people to row across the (8,000 miles) Pacific Ocean

About 1972
In 1972 terrorist activity from the IRA escalated following the horrific murder of protesters by the British Army on, what became known as, 'Bloody Sunday'. Arab terrorists threatened the Olympic games, killing 11 Israeli Olympians.

You Have been Watching...
• Are You Being Served?
• My Good Woman
• Doctor In Charge
• Sykes

At the Cinema
• The Godfather (Best Film Oscar)
• Deliverance
• Cabaret
• And Now For Something Completely Different

The Automobile

1904 - First speeding ticket, Dayton Ohio.

1908 - Ford Model T introduced.

1911 - First Indy 500 Race takes place.

1912 - Traffic signals first used.

1920 - Travel trailers introduced.

1921 - Fedral - Aid Highway aid act. Money to states to build roads.

1926 - Cigarettte lighters installed (actually cigar lighters)

1930 - First car radio.

1932 - First parking meter.

1933 - Drive in movie theater open.

1935 - Lead additive added to fuel to increase gas mileage.

1940 - California opens its first highway.

1940 - First car air conditioning.

1945 - Cruise Control invented.

1946 - Jeep introduces the first SUV.

1948 - "In-N-Out" opens the first drive through.

1948 - The first power windows..

1955 - James Dean dies in car accident.

1956 - Federal aid Highway Act (to ensure troop movement incase of invasion).

1956 - First car phone released in Stockholm.

1963 - Clean air act first inacted.

1968 - First air bag introduced.

1975 - Catalytic converters become standard.

1984 - Seat belts become manatory.

1990 - Clean air act exteneded.

1992 - First civilian version of the Humvee.

1996 - Leaded gasoline banned.

1997 - GM offers electric car for lease.

2000 - First GPS navagater patented.

Blonde Humer

Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Minnesota Vikings?

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.

Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.

Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).

Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....?
A: A blond doing cartwheels.

Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!

Q: Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times!

Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!

Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

Back to the Future, 1971

That was the year when...

• Charles Manson was found guilty in LA of murdering Sharon Tate amongst others.
• Comedic poet Ogden Nash died, aged 68
• China was admitted to the United Nations
• London Bridge was officially opened to the public, in the Arizona desert
• Disney World opens its gates in Florida

About 1971
During 1971 the Manson trial dominated the headlines in America, while on a lighter note Disney World opened its gates for the first time and gave millions of kids somewhere else to plead with their parents to go to.

You Have been Watching...
• Bless This House
• The Mary Tyler Moore Show
• Dave Allen At Large
• The Comedians
• The Two Ronnies

At the Cinema
• The French Connection (Best Film Oscar)
• A Clockwork Orange
• Fiddler On The Roof
• Dirty Harry

Homerizm, Part 3

Apu, you got any Skittle Brau? Never mind, just give me some Duff and a pack of Skittles.

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

Those guys were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

Extended warranty? How can I lose?

Mmmmmm - 52 slices of American cheese.

Hey, I asked for ketchup - I'm eatin' salad here!

When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, you know like that movie... "Spaceballs". But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie "Police Academy".

I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!

Son, when you participate in sporting events - it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get.

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy - Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

God bless those pagans.

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!

You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.

I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like... love!

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

Woo hoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline!

Back to the Future, 1970

That was the year when...

• Brazil won the football World cup (in Mexico)
• Edwarth Heath became British Prime Minister
• The Beatles broke up after McCartney announced he was leaving the band
• In a further escalation of the Vietnam war Nixon sent troops into Cambodia
• Jimi Hendrix (27) & Janis Joplin (27) both died through drug abuse

About 1970
The start of a new decade saw the escalation of America's involvement in the Vietnam war and the death of sixties Icons Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin.

You Have been Watching...
• For The Love Of Ada
• The Goodies
• The Liver Birds
• Monty Python's Flying Circus

At the Cinema
• Patton (Best Film Oscar)
• M*A*S*H
• Ryan's Daughter
• Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls

Chuck it, Part 9

If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?!

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

Paper Money, who knew?

The U.S. Department of the Treasury first issued paper U.S. currency in 1862 to make up for the shortage of coins and to finance the Civil War.

There was a shortage of coins because people had started hoarding them; the uncertainty caused by the war had made the value of items fluctuate drastically. Because coins were made of gold and silver their value didn't change much, so people wanted to hang onto them rather than buy items that might lose their value.

The first paper notes were printed in denominations of 1 cent, 5 cents, 25 cents, and 50 cents.

A $1 bill lasts 18 months; $5 bill, two years; $10 bill, three years; $20 bill, four years; and $50 and $100 bills, nine years.

How much does $1 million weigh? There are 490 notes in a pound, if you used $1 bills it would weigh 2,040.8 pounds, but if you used $100 bills it would weigh only 20.4 pounds.

The Bureau of Engraving and Printing produces 38 million notes a day with a face value of approximately $541 million.

That doesn't mean there is $541 million more money circulating today than there was yesterday, though, because 95% of the notes printed each year are used to replace notes already in circulation.

There were more than 10 billion pennies made in 1998. The actual number of coins produced, by denomination, was as follows: pennies, 10,257,400,000; nickels, 1,323,672,000; dimes, 2,335,300,000; quarters, 1,867,400,000; half-dollars, 30,710,000.

Almost half, 48 percent, of the notes printed by the Bureau of Engraving and Printing are $1 notes.

Our present currency measures 2.61 inches wide by 6.14 inches long, and the thickness is 0.0043 inches. Larger sized notes in circulation before 1929 measured 3.125 inches by 7.4218 inches.

Currency paper is composed of 25 percent linen and 75 percent cotton. Red and blue synthetic fibers of various lengths are distributed evenly throughout the paper. Before World War I these fibers were made of silk.

Martha Washington is the only woman whose portrait has appeared on a U.S. currency note. It appeared on the face of the $1 Silver Certificate of 1886 and 1891, and the back of the $1 Silver Certificate of 1896.

The hands of the clock in the steeple of Independence Hall on the back of a $100 note are set at approximately 4:10.

Bumper Stickers, Part 4

If it's not one thing, it's your mother.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Don't believe everything you think.

Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost!

Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.

Life is short. So buy the shoes!

Crap! This is a terrible time for the meds to wear off.

Never believe generalizations.

The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.

I don't think, therefore I am not.

Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.

Avoid alliterations always.

Fishermen don't die, they just smell that way.

Dyslexics are teople poo.

Jesus is coming. Look busy!

Say "NO" to drugs. That will bring the prices down.

An Apple a day keeps Windows away.

This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.

What would Gandalf do?

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Double your drive space. Delete Windows.

Does anal retentive have a hyphen?

If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it.

Human Facts, Part 2

Fidgeting can burn about 350 calories a day.

Wearing headphones for an hour increases the bacteria in your ear 700 times.

A baby is born without kneecaps. They appear between age 2 and 6.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

In a recent survey, Americans revealed that banana was their favorite smell.

The arteries and veins surrounding the brain stem called the "circle of Willis" looks like a stick person with a large head.

Brushing your teeth regularly has been shown to prevent heart disease.

A kiss stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

Your nose and ears never stop growing.

Men get hiccups more often than women.

Human teeth are almost as hard as rocks.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year.

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day.

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe.

One quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails.

The average person laughs 15 times a day.

Back to the Future, 1969

That was the year when...

• "One small step for man..." as Neil Armstrong became the first man on the moon
• Woodstock: Three days of love and peace created another icon for the sixties
• Concorde first flew on a twenty minute test flight in Toulouse, France
• Rolling Stones Guitarist Brian Jones died
• British parliment voted to outlaw capital punishment

About 1969
1969 was a historic year as the space race was won by America who finally landed a man on the moon. The hippie movement culminated in the Woodstock festival in New York State and the Beatles released 'Let It Be'.

You Have been Watching...
• Sez Les
• Doctor In The House
• Dear Mother... Love Albert
• On The Buses

At the Cinema
• Midnight Cowboy (Best Film Oscar)
• Once Upon A Time In The West
• Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid
• Easy Rider

Cool quotes.

You’re like Ugly Betty except your name isn’t Betty.

Silly Ashley you can’t get pregnant through the face.

I made a robot powered by hate, but I loved it so much it didn’t work.

I’m not saying he’s unlucky, but if he fell into a barrel of boobs, he’d come up sucking his own thumb.

Well, I’d like to agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong

Son, there are two types of girls in this world: the good ones and the bad ones. And the bad ones are the good ones to know.

I’m not the smartest or the best looking but i am smarter than anyone better looking than me, I am better looking than anyone smarter than me, and if someone is smarter and better looking than me, I can kick their ass.

Never moon anyone within kicking distance.

Never claim to be intelligent, compassionate, or a good driver. Inevitably you’ll do something contrary to all three.

If there was no hole in the ozone how would rocket ships get out?

Love is the weak man’s strength and the strong man’s weakness…

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you’re brave enough.

On a scale from one to drunk, how high are you?”

Drink up, ’cause you can’t regret what you don’t remember.

The key to originality is hiding your sources.

You know how they say it’s lonely at the top? I’ll be god damned if it ain’t lonely at the bottom too.

It's gotta be the cows.

For my wife.
Q: Where does a cow stop to drink?
A: The milky way!

Q: What does an invisible man drink?
A: Evaporated milk!

Q: Where do cows go for lunch?
A: The calf-eteria.

Q: Where do cows go on dates?
A: The moo-vies!

Q: What do you call a tired cow?
A: Milked out!

Q: What goes oo ooo oooo?
A: A cow with no lips.

Q: What newspaper do cows read?
A: The Daily Moos.

Q: What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A: A steak out.

Q: Where do cows like to live?
A: St. Moo-is, Moo-ssouri, and Moo Jersey.

Q: What did the cow wear to the football game?
A: A Jersey.

Q: Why can't you shock cows?
A: They've herd it all.

Q: Why is a barn so noisy?
A: All the cows have horns.

Q: What did one cow say to the other?
A: Nothing silly, cow's don't talk.

Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.

Q: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
A: He's got no beef.

Q: What animals do you bring to bed?
A: Your calves.

Q: What happened to the lost cattle?
A: Nobody's herd.

Q: What do you call a cow that has 3 legs?
A: Lean beef

Q: What do you call a cow that has 2 legs?
A: Side of beef

Q: What do you call a cow that has 1 leg?
A: Steak

Q: What do you call a cow that has no legs?
A: Ground beef

Q: Where do cows like to ride on trains?
A: In the cow-boose.

Q: What do cows get when they do all their chores?
A: Mooney.

Q: What did one dairy cow say to another?
A: Got milk?

Q: How to you know that cows will be in heaven?
A: It's a place of udder delight.


Q: Where do cows go in the afterlife?
A: Moo Moo Land

Q: Why don't cows have any money?
A: Because the farmers milk them dry.

Q: What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
A: An udder failure.

Q: What do cows do for entertainment?
A: They go to the mooooovies.

Q: How do you make a milkshake?
A: Give a cow a pogo stick.

Q: What band is a cow favorite?
A: Moody Blues

Q: What do you call a grumpy cow?
A: Moo-dy

Q: What is a cow's favorite lunch meat?
A: Bullogna

Q: What do cows get when they are sick?
A: Hay Fever

Q: What are the spots on black-and-white cows?
A: Holstaines

Q: Why does a milking stool have only three legs?
A: Because the cow has the udder.

Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Their horns don't work.

Q: What do you call a cow who just recently had its baby?
A: Decalfinated

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bull-dozer.

The farmer had been taken so many times by the local car dealer that when the dealer wanted to buy a cow, the farmer priced it to him like this:
Basic cow, $200; two-tone exterior, $45; extra stomach $75; product storage compartment, $60; dispensing device, four spigots at $10 each, $40; genuine cowhide upholstery, $125; dual horns, $15; automatic fly swatter, $35. Total = $595.

Back to the Future 1968

That was the year when...

• Martin Luther King (39) was assassinated in Memphis
• Yuri Gagarin (35), first man in space, died in a plane crash
• Prague Spring brings with it the hope of new political freedom in Czechoslovakia
• National strikes and large scaling rioting caused French President Charles De Gaulle to dissolve the National Assembly
• The Viet Cong Launched the Tet offensive across many S. Vietnam cities

About 1968
1968 was a year of uprising all over the world with race riots and Vietnam protests in the US, National strikes and student demonstrations in France and the Soviet invasion of Czechoslovakia after the Prague Spring.

You Have been Watching...
• Dad's Army
• Do Not Adjust Your Set
• Father, Dear Father
• Rowan & Martin's Laugh-in

At the Cinema
• Oliver (Best Film Oscar)
• 2001: A Space Odyssey
• Planet Of The Apes
• The Odd Couple

Mom's Rule

* Mothers only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and when you don't..
* A mother's love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.
* Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself.
* Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won't know either, but she will fake it.
* The more you try to stay on your mother's good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is.
* The nicer a mother is, the greater the probability that her kids are rotten.
* If you can't remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn't.
* The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.
* If you forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you don't repeat them.
* Anything you do can be criticized by your mother - even doing nothing.
* Never criticize your mother's cooking if you expect to get any more of it.
* If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers.
* You can't "out mother" your mother. Don't even try.
* Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it.
* The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother.
* All mother's have a "How To" manual. That's because they wrote the book.
* Mother's way is best. If you don't believe it, ask her.
* Everything is a good idea till you mother finds out and tells you why it isn't.
* When you are broke, ask mom for a loan. She will help you remember what you wasted all your money on.
* The more expensive the gift you give your mother, the longer she will "save" it before she uses it.
* No matter how wrong you are, your mother will not hold it against you. She may remind you a number of times, but she will not hold it against you.
* No matter how much you eat, you can never get so fat that mother will not offer you more food.
* If a mother does not have an item, she will have the recipe or the directions.
* Accomplishments are made possible by your mother - failures are your own fault.
* Never forget who rocked you as a baby. That's something else you will never be able to repay her for.
* Mother can always tell you a better way to do something after you've already done it.
* The longer it's been since you cleaned house, the more likely it is that mother will visit.
* No matter how small your mom is, she will always be bigger than you are.
* If you do it yourself, mom could have done it better. If mom does it, you should have done it yourself.
* The only thing more accurate than a mother's advice is her memory of the times you didn't take it.
* The funnier the joke is, the more likely mom will think it is dirty.
* Never tell your mother you have nothing to do. She can always find something.
* If the job of a mother is going smoothly, she thinks she isn't doing it well.
* There are always two sides to a story - the way it really happened and the way mother remembers it.
* Mothers always "know." We don't know how - they just do.