Insults, Part 2

He's all foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.


She's as smart as bait.

He doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

He forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.

I would not allow this employee to breed.

This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

She's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

She got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

I love you more today than tomorrow.

You were so ugly when you were born, the doctor put tinted windows on the incubator.

He's got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

He's a gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

She's got a photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

She's a prime candidate for natural deselection.

He's as bright as Alaska in December.

One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

Going to the dogs, Part 2

The first dog chapel was established in 2001. It was built in St. Johnsbury, Vermont, by Stephan Huneck, a children’s book author whose five dogs helped him recuperate from a serious illness.

Those born under the sign of the dog in Chinese astrology are considered to be loyal and discreet, though slightly temperamental.

In Iran, it is against the law to own a dog as a pet. However, if an owner can prove the dog is a guard or hunting dog, this restriction doesn’t apply.

The Mayans and Aztecs symbolized every tenth day with the dog, and those born under this sign were believed to have outstanding leadership skills.

The ancient Mbaya Indians of the Gran Chaco in South America believed that humans originally lived underground until dogs dug them up.

Plato once said that “a dog has the soul of a philosopher.”

French poodles did not originate in France but in Germany (“poodle” comes from the German pudel or pudelhund, meaning “splashing dog”).

The name of the dog on the Cracker Jacks box is Bingo. The Taco Bell Chihuahua is a rescued dog named Gidget.

The first dogs were self-domesticated wolves which, at least 12,000 years ago, became attracted to the first sites of permanent human habitation.

Dachshunds were bred to fight badgers in their dens.

Laiki, a Russian stray, was the first living mammal to orbit the Earth, in the Soviet Sputnik spacecraft in 1957. Though she died in space, her daughter Pushnika had four puppies with President John F. Kennedy’s terrier, Charlie.

Dalmatians are completely white at birth.

The term “dog days of summer” was coined by the ancient Greeks and Romans to describe the hottest days of summer that coincided with the rising of the Dog Star, Sirius.

Alexander the Great is said to have founded and named a city Peritas, in memory of his dog.

Dog trainers in ancient China were held in high esteem. A great deal of dog domestication also took place in China, especially dwarfing and miniaturization.

The earliest European images of dogs are found in cave paintings dating back 12,000 years ago in Spain.

The dog was frequently depicted in Greek art, including Cerberus, the three-headed hound guarding the entrance to the underworld, and the hunting dogs which accompanied the virgin goddess of the chase, Diana.

A puppy is born blind, deaf, and toothless.

The Basenji is the world’s only barkless dog.

A dog most likely interprets a smiling person as baring their teeth, which is an act of aggression.

The origin of amputating a dog’s tail may go back to the Roman writer Lucius Columella’s (A.D. 4-70) assertion that tail docking prevented rabies.

One of Shakespeare’s most mischievous characters is Crab, the dog belonging to Launce in the Two Gentlemen of Verona. The word “watchdog” is first found in The Tempest.

President Franklin Roosevelt created a minor international incident when he claimed he sent a destroyer to the Aleutian Islands just to pick up his Scottish Terrier, Fala, who had been left behind.

Within hours of the September 11, 2001, attack the World Trade Center, specially trained dogs were on the scene, including German Shepherds, Labs, and even a few little Dachshunds.

It costs approximately $10,000 to train a federally certified search and rescue dog.

The smallest dog on record was a matchbox-size Yorkshire Terrier. It was 2.5" tall at the shoulder, 3.5" from nose tip to tail, and weighed only 4 ounces.

Hollywood’s first and arguably best canine superstar was Rin Tin Tin, a five-day-old German Shepherd found wounded in battle in WWI France and adopted by an American soldier, Lee Duncan. He would sign his own contracts with his paw print.

At the end of WWI, the German government trained the first guide dogs for war-blinded soldiers.

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 1/600 of a second and can hear sounds four times farther away than a human can.

Touch is the first sense the dog develops. The entire body, including the paws, is covered with touch-sensitive nerve endings.

Eighteen muscles or more can move a dog’s ear.

The names of 77 ancient Egyptian dogs have been recorded. The names refer to color and character, such as Blackie, Ebony, Good Herdsman, Reliable, and Brave One.

Human factor, Part 1

In the average adult, the skin covers 12-20 square feet and accounts for 12% of body weight.

There are more than 600 individual skeletal muscles in the human body.

An adult skeleton has 213 bones.

Cartilage is one of the few tissues that grows throughout life. Between ages 30 and 70, a nose might grow half an inch, and the ears grow about a quarter of an inch.

The average human head has about 100,000 hairs.

As a person ages, the diameter of each hair on the head shrinks. Hair is thickest in the early 20s, but by age 70, it can be as fine as a baby's.

Hundreds of billions of neurons carry electrical signals that control the body from the brain and the spinal cord.

After sustaining trauma to the brain—such as an injury, stroke, or infection—some people develop “alien hand syndrome,” a condition where the victim can feel sensation in the hand, but has no control over movement and does not sense the hand as a part of the body, as if it belonged to an alien being.

The Greek philosopher Aristotle believed that the brain exists mainly to help cool the spirit. It is now known that the brain controls nearly every function of the body and mind.

When the pituitary gland malfunctions, it can boost or reduce the amount of growth hormone in a growing child's body, resulting in gigantism or dwarfism.

The senses are highly attuned to our world, but they have limits. For example, humans cannot see in the ultraviolet spectrum as bees do, nor can they differentiate between the hundreds of millions of odors that a bloodhound can.

The appendix has no function in modern humans. It is believed to have been part of the digestive system in our primitive ancestors.

Humans smell “in stereo.” Scent signals from each nostril travel to different regions in the brain. This may help a person determine the direction the odor is coming from.

The skin contains approximately 640,000 sense receptors, scattered unevenly over the body's surface. These receptors are most abundant in the ridges of the fingertips, in the lips, at the tip of the tongue, in the palms, on the soles of the feet, and in the genitals.

An estimated five million olfactory receptors are clustered in the membrane at the upper part of our nasal passages. These receptors help us distinguish among thousands of different odors.

There are about 9,000 taste buds on the surface of the tongue, in the throat, and on the roof of the mouth. Taste buds contain chemoreceptors that respond to chemicals from food and other substances that are dissolved by the saliva in the mouth.

Humans produce about 10,000 gallons of saliva in a lifetime. Saliva is required for taste—until food is dissolved by saliva, we cannot taste it.

Hearing is one of the less acute senses in humans, compared to the many other animals which can detect sound at much higher and lower frequency than humans can.

Blonde Humor

Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin

Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The Blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.

Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Back to the Future, 1975

That was the year when...

• USA finally withdrew from the Vietnam war
• The movie Jaws became the biggest box office hit of all time
• The Suez Canal was reopened after 8 years of the Arab-Israeli war
• Bruce Springstein released the Anthemic 'Born to Run'
• Prince Juan Carlos crowned King of Spain after the death of General Franco

About 1975
1975 brought with it a number of classic comedies to British TV audiences. Queen topped the charts for nine weeks with 'Bohemian Rapsody' while in America Union leader Jimmy Hoffa disappeared.

You Have been Watching...
• Fawlty Towers
• Carry On Laughing
• The Good Life
• Doctor On The Go
• The Cuckoo Waltz

At the Cinema
• One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (Best Film Oscar)
• The Rocky Horror Picture Show
• Love & Death
• Tommy