Quantas gripe sheet

These have been floating around the internet for years (decades), but still just as funny.

Here are some logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Chuck it, Part 2

Facts about Chuck Norris


Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

No Respect, Part 1

Rodney Dangerfield,


My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco,Mobil, Exxon...

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.

One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said,

"Because you came home early."

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

My cousin is gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, "No, but I did get the license number".

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

Decibel Levels

From low to high, here's how loud things are.
All are listed in decibels.




-20 One human talking from 20 miles away
-4 Ticking of a wristwatch from 3 feet away
0 Threshold of human hearing, A mosquito from 10 feet away
10 Rustling of leaves
15 A pin drop 3 feet away
30 Quite library
40 Quite room, Whisper
50 Rainfall, Restaurant inside
60 Human Conversation, Dishwasher
70 Traffic, Vacuum cleaner
80 Alarm clock
85 Start of damage to human ear
85 City traffic (inside car)
90 Lawnmower, Train whistle
95 Subway train
100 Snowmobile, Chain saw, Ave. car stereo at max
110 Rock music, Symphony orchestra
120 Jet airplane
120 Amplified rock music
128 Loudest scream ever recorded
130 Jackhammer, 200 person marching band
135 Firearms, large train horn
140 Air raid siren, Severe damage to Human ear begins
145 Human vision begins to blur
147 Formula one race car
150 Rock music peak
154 Toy balloon popping
163 Whale song
164 NHRA Nitro fueled Dragster.
165 Thunder (normal)
171 Worlds loudest car stereo
175 1 ton of TNT at 250 feet
194 Any sound above this is technically a shock wave
202 Human death from sound
207 250 pound bomb
212 Sonic boom (average jet)
215 Exhaust from space shuttle launch, Thunder (loud)
220 Saturn 5 Rocket taking off
235 1 ton of TNT at 10 feet away
240 Tornado (Fujitsu scale of 5)
247 Max sound possible created by a TNT explosion
248 Atomic bomb 12 - 15 kilotons dropped on Hiroshima
257 Nuclear bomb 1 megaton
278 Nuclear bomb 15 Megatons (test Bravo)
282 Hydrogen bomb 57 Megatons (largest detonated)
286 Mt. Saint Helens volcano eruption
302 Tungusta Siberia meteor (Blew down houses 600 miles away)
310 Krakatoa Volcano eruption (heard 3100 miles away)
320 Tambora Volcano eruption (14,000 Megatons)

Increasing a sound intensity by a factor of 10 raises its level by 10 dB; increasing it by a factor of 100 raises its level by 20 dB; by 1,000, 30 dB and so on. If you increase a sound by 10 decibels, the human ear hears a doubling in sound. So a vacuum cleaner is twice as loud as a dishwasher.

Chuck it, Part 1

Facts About Chuck Norris


"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

"Icy-Hot" is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House.

Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.