Wife 1.0

This has been around long before the internet, and in many forms. But it's still funny.


Dear Tech Support:
Last Year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of valueable space and resources. The new program also seems to need more and better system specs every month. Wife 1.0 installed it self into all other programs and now moniters all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5 and Racing 3.6 are automatically blocked and when tried to open the system shuts down. I cant seem to keep Wife 1.0 running in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking of going back to GirlFriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. please Help!
Thanks,
A troubled User,

REPLY:
Dear troubled User,
This is a very common problem that many Wife 1.0 user complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to wife 1.0, thinking it is just a entertainment and utilities program. Wife 1.0 is a OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by it's creator to run, check moniter EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 users manual under Warning-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving your overall system. I suggest installing the backgroud application "YES DEAR" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system willl return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintainence. Wife 1.0 comes with many support programs, such as CLEAN AND SWEEP 3.0, COOK IT 1.5 and DO BILLS 4.2. However, be very carefull how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to luanch NAG NAG 9.5. Once this happence, the only way to regain previous proformence of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 1.0 and Diamond 5.0! WARNING!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretery With Short Skirt 3.3. or Hooker 2.3 these applications are not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversable and unerasable damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck,
Tech Support,

Sun, Facts

The sun contains 99.85% of the mass in the solar system.

Classified as a G2 dwarf due to its size, heat, and chemical makeup, the sun is a medium-sized star.

Based on the average life of a G2 star, the present age of the sun is estimated to be 4.6 billion years, halfway through its lifetime.

Four million tons of hydrogen are consumed by the sun every second.

Approximately 109 planet Earths would fit on the surface of the sun and more than one million planet Earths would fit inside of the sun.

Every 11 years, solar activity surges. The sunspots that pepper the sun explode, hurtling massive clouds of gas through the solar system.

The sun is 92.96 million miles away from Earth.

At its core, the sun’s temperature is about 27 million degrees Fahrenheit.

The sun rotates on its axis once every 25.38 Earth days or 609.12 hours.

A person weighing 150 pounds on Earth would weigh 4,200 pounds on the sun because the sun’s gravity is 28 times that of Earth.

The sun radiates heat and a steady stream of charged particles known as the solar wind, which blows about 280 miles per second.

All planets orbit the sun in the same direction, counterclockwise, and on roughly the same plane, known as the ecliptic.

During a 75-year period beginning in 1645, astronomers detected almost no sunspot activity on the sun. Called the “Maunder Minimum,” this event coincided with the coldest part of the Little Ice Age, a 350-year cold spell that gripped much of Europe and North America.

Webster Says, Part 4

Namesis: A person who shares your name but is much richer and more famous than you.

Onosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Out of Bounds: An exhausted kangaroo.

Parachute: A double barreled shotgun.

Pedestrian: A motorist with two or more children of driving age.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perfect Pitch: What it is when you throw a banjo in a dumpster and it didn't hit the sides.

Petranoid: Someone who is both petrified and paranoid. Usually a mother.

Phonecrastinate: To put off answering the phone until caller ID identifies the caller.

Porcupine: A craving for bacon.

Raisin: Grape with a sunburn.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

Stalemate: An old spouse.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swipeout: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Syndrome: Committing wrongdoing in the Vatican.

Syntax: Money in the collection plate.

Tax: A fine for doing right.

Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.

Vocabularian: A person who makes up new words.

Will: A dead giveaway.

Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.

No Respect, Part 6

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once, a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional; the knife had butter on it.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I'm so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

Guide to Men

Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present again!

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's a Jakie Chan or Bruce Lee movie.)