No Respect, Part 1

Rodney Dangerfield,


My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco,Mobil, Exxon...

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.

One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said,

"Because you came home early."

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

My cousin is gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, "No, but I did get the license number".

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

Decibel Levels

From low to high, here's how loud things are.
All are listed in decibels.




-20 One human talking from 20 miles away
-4 Ticking of a wristwatch from 3 feet away
0 Threshold of human hearing, A mosquito from 10 feet away
10 Rustling of leaves
15 A pin drop 3 feet away
30 Quite library
40 Quite room, Whisper
50 Rainfall, Restaurant inside
60 Human Conversation, Dishwasher
70 Traffic, Vacuum cleaner
80 Alarm clock
85 Start of damage to human ear
85 City traffic (inside car)
90 Lawnmower, Train whistle
95 Subway train
100 Snowmobile, Chain saw, Ave. car stereo at max
110 Rock music, Symphony orchestra
120 Jet airplane
120 Amplified rock music
128 Loudest scream ever recorded
130 Jackhammer, 200 person marching band
135 Firearms, large train horn
140 Air raid siren, Severe damage to Human ear begins
145 Human vision begins to blur
147 Formula one race car
150 Rock music peak
154 Toy balloon popping
163 Whale song
164 NHRA Nitro fueled Dragster.
165 Thunder (normal)
171 Worlds loudest car stereo
175 1 ton of TNT at 250 feet
194 Any sound above this is technically a shock wave
202 Human death from sound
207 250 pound bomb
212 Sonic boom (average jet)
215 Exhaust from space shuttle launch, Thunder (loud)
220 Saturn 5 Rocket taking off
235 1 ton of TNT at 10 feet away
240 Tornado (Fujitsu scale of 5)
247 Max sound possible created by a TNT explosion
248 Atomic bomb 12 - 15 kilotons dropped on Hiroshima
257 Nuclear bomb 1 megaton
278 Nuclear bomb 15 Megatons (test Bravo)
282 Hydrogen bomb 57 Megatons (largest detonated)
286 Mt. Saint Helens volcano eruption
302 Tungusta Siberia meteor (Blew down houses 600 miles away)
310 Krakatoa Volcano eruption (heard 3100 miles away)
320 Tambora Volcano eruption (14,000 Megatons)

Increasing a sound intensity by a factor of 10 raises its level by 10 dB; increasing it by a factor of 100 raises its level by 20 dB; by 1,000, 30 dB and so on. If you increase a sound by 10 decibels, the human ear hears a doubling in sound. So a vacuum cleaner is twice as loud as a dishwasher.

Chuck it, Part 1

Facts About Chuck Norris


"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

"Icy-Hot" is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House.

Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Webster Says, Part 1

Arbitrator \ar’-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.

Avoidable \uh-voy’-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo’-nee\: Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette \burn’-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize \bur’-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with

Control \kon-trol’\: A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Eclipse \i-klips’\: what an English barber does for a living

Eyedropper \i’-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes \hee’-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does

Left Bank \left’ bangk’\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot

Misty \mis’-tee\: How golfers create divots

Paradox \par’-u-doks\: two physicians

Parasites \par’-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm’-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm

Polarize \po’-lur-ize\: what penguins see with

Primate \pri’-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Relief \ree-leef’\: what trees do in the spring

Rubberneck \rub’-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife

Seamstress \seem’-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six

Selfish \sel’-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued \sub-dood’\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man

Sudafed \sood’-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government official

We lost, but still....

We lost to the Saints, in overtime 28 to 31! I was so bummed that night. But I'm over it now, well almost. Would I have liked to see the Vikings go to the Super Bowl, hell ya. But it was a great season to watch. I mean a really great season! Some of the best games in ten years were played this season. I learned to not hate Favre, in fact even with our loss to the Saints, I still like him. He did a lot for the team and I think that will carry on to next season, with or without him. I still cant bring myself to buy a Number 4 Vikings jersey. Maybe if they go on sale :)